It
is well known that Milan have been experiencing increasingly devastating
quantities of injuries for a number of years now. This past season’s injuries
were more apocalyptic in quantity, duration, and scope, and it is widely
acknowledged that this single factor changed their fate in Serie A and in the
Champions League. This injury problem has extended well beyond a crisis, and
today, I officially dub it “The Milan Curse.”
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| The Milan team bus arriving in Napoli earlier this season |
The Milan Curse finally affected Milan’s management enough to put them into action. For example, they finally recognized the part that the treacherous San Siro pitch has played in so many of our injuries. In fact, data collected showed that 60% of our muscular injuries occurred there, so, along with the help and cooperation of our Curva Nord cousins, a new semi-synthetic pitch will be installed starting in a couple of weeks and being completed by July 25th. As someone on Twitter noted, that will be just in time for Inter’s first Europa League qualifications.
But
management did look carefully into the medical staff and training staff to see
if they were to blame in any part. Ibra had fought several times with head
trainer Tognaccini, saying that his training regimes were too much and were partially
to blame for the injury Armageddon. But after Galliani, Allegri, and Dr.
Tavana, head doctor for Milan, looked at all of the data for every single injury
this year, only minimal changes were made in the training staff. For one,
Folletti, who had worked with Allegri at Cagliari, was promoted to be co-head
trainer with Tognaccini. And Tillson, an American physiotherapist, was brought
in as a trainer.
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| Thiago Motta shows the "no fault" sign so as not to be blamed for Pato's next injury |
For
us fans who have suffered through every bruise and muscle injury and knee
surgery along with our favorite players, we would probably not rest until every
medical staff member and trainer were strung up by a particular part of their
anatomy and sentenced to a slow and painful death that mimicked the length of
many of our players’ injuries… say about 6 months or so? But realistically, we
wouldn’t know what else to do if the curse continued, so it’s probably prudent
to change the pitch, make the minimal changes in training/medical staff this
year, then re-evaluate if the curse continues.
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| A medieval torture device we'd like to use on medical & training staff at Milanello |
But
I think if we are going to take this “realistic” approach, there are other
things we can do to fight the curse that can bring results without impacting
the data. Maybe they are “unconventional," but at least hear me out. I present
to you Elaine’s 5 Point Plan to Break
the Milan Curse:
1) Put
a clause in all new contracts something along the lines of this:
“I agree to be injured or appear to be
injured for up to 6 months of the season. Not only will this provide me personally
with an excuse if I am playing poorly, but it will also allow the club an easy
out should we as a club underperform. I will not sue or hold the club harmful
for any and all real injuries sustained in training or in matches or while I am still breathing and under contract.”
2) Players
with more than 2 moderate or 3 minor injuries will be forced to wear protective
gear in training and in matches, including but not limited to the Chivu
Special™ helmet, elbow and/or knee braces with protective armor, and or back or
other braces. In extreme cases, infinite amounts of bubble wrap may also be
applied to ensure the safety of the player.
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| No precaution is too extreme for our players |
3) If
a player sustains an injury that is caused by relations with a spouse or
significant other, that player will be forced to stay at Milanello during the
season, only allowed to see said significant others on International breaks or
other holidays, which right may also be revoked if there are repeat injuries.
4) Players
who have normal amounts of injuries for the entire season will receive a
“healthy bonus” as well as perks such as first choice of seating on busses,
trains, and planes, extra desserts at meals, and preferred parking at
Milanello.
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| Galliani approved superstition charms |
5) All
players will burn all of their remaining black third kits and anything else
proven to be unlucky. Additionally, they will wear on their personage one or
more good luck charms during training and matches. Examples of good luck charms
include but are not limited to: lucky rabbit’s feet, i cornicelli (little horns), salt
shakers, lucky coins or stones, rosaries and crucifixes, etc. Players are
responsible for finding a secure location for them on their bodies which will
not cause any further injuries.
I
have no doubts that together with the club’s cautious efforts and a strict
adherence to this amazing 5 point plan, we can break the Milan Curse and have a healthy
squad next year.
This post inspired by the music of the
Toy Dolls