It’s no secret that the old San Siro pitch was a death trap.
With more injuries sustained there than a lifetime with Melissa Satta, this
summer’s renovation was long overdue. But how did they take such a giant hazard
and turn it into the perfect pitch? Rather than post the videos or graphics or
photos of what really happened, I prefer to let my imagination tell you the
story…
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| The beautiful new pitch may have taken more work than meets the eye |
Clearing the Water
Hazards
It is well known that Barcelona like their pitches wet, it’s
much easier to dive that way. So first and foremost, workers at the San Siro
had to locate and clear the water hazards. Several Barcelona players were
discovered during this process, but eventually, the pitch was leveled and
drained. (It is widely known that Pep Guardiola’s decision to take a break from
coaching was based on UEFA’s response to his complaints about the San Siro
pitch, coupled with the news that the pitch was going to be redone.)
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| Busquets was amongst those found thriving in the San Siro water hazards |
Gopher Holes
Those nasty burrowing animals had nothing on the creatures
they unearthed when they began to tear up the original San Siro turf. It seems
that one of them took his club’s motto of “30 sul campo” to heart and
personally dug 30 holes in the San Siro. When workers investigated, they found
pictures of Pato with targets over his face in the critter’s burrows. And
finally, one of the workers caught the nasty critter himself:
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| The hideous burrowing ground dweller, Giuseppe "Marmotta" Marotta |
Wolf Dens
Some of the larger holes were found to be home to entire
packs of wolves. One she wolf was even found suckling a couple of Roma youth
players. Given not only the sheer size of these holes, but the ravenous
creatures looking for their next meal, it’s no wonder our injury list was so
long the past couple of years.
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| The bones tell it all, wolf dens are no place for football |
Crazy Donuts
It was discovered that much of the torn up pitch was due to
damage caused by one club. In fact, it wasn’t the club, it was the crazy owner.
You see, with all of the strange happenings in Serie A, De Laurentiis has
developed a bit of a scooter fetish. In an effort to undermine a competing
club, he had taken to sneaking in with a borrowed scooter and doing donuts on
the San Siro pitch, an extension of his tirade and exit from the Lega Serie A
meeting last summer…
Filthy snakes
The biggest challenge, particularly with our professional
snake hunter, Thiago Silva, gone, was to get rid of all of the filthy snakes.
The infestation has lasted 65 years, but finally, within about 5 years, there
is a plan to rid the San Siro of them forever. For now, though, they were able
to flush them all out and keep them busy by offering them hilarious transfer
targets, the most recent being Marco Borriello. Buon Appetito, Serpenti.
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| Our snake removal service was sold |
As you can see, it was a monumental effort to restore the
pitch to a safe playing surface. But thanks to valiant efforts of both the turf and
pest control experts alike, tomorrow our boys will take to the new surface for
the first time. And Sunday, the Berlusconi Trophy will be awarded to the team
least likely to take the Scudetto this year, which we can only hope is Juventus.
This post was inspired by the music
of Pink Floyd
Our next match is the Trofeo Berlusconi
Milan vs. Juventus
Sunday, August 19 • 20:45 CEST (2:45pm EDT)
Stadio San Siro, Milano