Despite
intense criticism from everyone from fans all the way up to Berlusconi and
Galliani, Allegri has done things his way, with a stubbornness that would make
Napoleon blush. We have talked about the lack of any consistency in his lineups, and then there was all of the yelling at the team at halftime on
Sunday, and accusing the players of conspiring against him. All of this has led
to some pretty legitimate questions as to the state of his mental health, with
many calling him “Mad Max.” But I started to think… what if there is actually a
method to his madness? Is there a single technique he uses to generate his
random lineups? So with some help from Sposato al Nemico ("Married to the
Enemy"), who has some frighteningly plausible insights into the mind of a
madman, we came up with five theories as to how Allegri picks his lineups
Russian Roulette
The
old spin the chamber of the gun and pull the trigger to see if it’s your lucky day game could be one way that he chooses lineups. Whomever survives the game makes
the squad. Perhaps it seems a little extreme, but it could definitely explain
some of the comments and behaviors of some of the players. It also may explain some of the mystery injuries.
Tarot Cards
Just
because they originated in Italy, doesn’t mean this is how Allegri is picking
his starting eleven. And unless he picks his starting lineup and then gets the
“Draw” or “Loss” cards, but still uses those lineups, then it doesn’t really
make sense. But then again, maybe he is just as bad at reading Tarot cards as
he is at giving press conferences.
 |
| Allegri keeps confusing this one with the "Captain" card |
Getting his Masters Degree
One
interesting theory is that he is getting his Masters Degree and his thesis
deals with chaos theory. For example, maybe he needed a controlled situation to
observe the butterfly effect, and so he is using his lineups to make changes
every match and show the effects that small changes like that will have
long-term on a club, it’s fans, European football, and ultimately the world. If
this is true, I think he has done quite well with this.
Gerbil Races
Another
idea is that he runs gerbil maze races. Each gerbil would wear the jersey of
one of the players, and then race. The corresponding players of the fastest
eleven to solve the maze are the ones who get to start. Now if only the
smartest and fastest gerbils were assigned to our best eleven players. And why
does the number ten gerbil always earn the trequartista spot?
 |
| Luckily for us, El Shaarawy's gerbil is usually one of the fastest |
Evil Plot
A
very likely scenario is that some supervillain has placed a bomb beneath the
city of Milano, and has told Allegri that if he uses the same lineup twice, he
will detonate the bomb. Not only is this likely for the involvement of a
supervillain, but it definitely explains why Allegri has been aging so quickly
and is showing so many signs of stress. It also solves the question of whether
he is screaming “Dai! Dai! Dai!” or “Die! Die! Die.” Certainly, he is trying to
warn the citizens of Milano.
Okay,
now that you know the five most likely causes for Allegri’s irrational lineups,
please take the poll and vote for the theory that you believe is most likely.
Maybe if we all guess correctly, we can notify someone in power and stage an
intervention.
This post inspired by Alka Seltzer
Plus Cold Medicine
Our next match is
Napoli vs. Milan
Saturday, November 17 • 20:45 CET (2:45pm ET)