Something that infuriates me at every official FIFA
tournament are their “stellar” efforts to eradicate racism. As if a giant
banner is going to change the character of a racist and make him eat those
bananas instead of throw them. Or having people wear t-shirts at the beginning
of a match puts some magical anti-racism force field on the stadium and makes
everyone suddenly love everyone else. Or those advertising boards that randomly
put up anti-racism messages throughout the game… they clearly solve the
worldwide racism issue singlehandedly. (Do the racists even read them? Do they
even know how to read?) Surprisingly, despite all of these
well-thought out measures, racism continues to permeate the beautiful game.
Dear FIFA, signs and t-shirts just don’t work.
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| Racism deterrent? Or waste of time and money? |
I have talked a lot about racism,
particularly since Milan players seem to be magnets for racial abuse more and
more frequently instead of less. And despite anti-racist “task forces” and
banners and t-shirts and ad campaigns, FIFA has not been able to put a dent in
this problem. So I have decided to take matters into my own hands. If FIFA
can’t figure this out, let me help them. And if this barbaric and horrifying
scourge on the beautiful game cannot be stopped diplomatically, it’s time we
fight fire with fire. Here are my ideas as to how to deal with racists. I
like to call them my Extreme Anti-Racism Campaign.
Give the racists
bathroom janitorial duties. Send the filth to clean the filth. Like
mandatory community service. It saves money, gets the bathrooms clean, and gets
them away from the pitch. Win, win, win.
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| Armed stewards could identify racists in the stadium |
Give the stewards
paintball guns. When someone racially abuses someone, the stewards open
fire. It hurts, and it marks them so everyone knows they are racist. I think
the other fans should be allowed to “walk them out” of the stadium, too,
instead of security.
Change the color of
their skin. Literally, give them a spray tan to remember, allow them to
walk a mile in the shoes of the people they abuse. Perhaps permanent skin coloring
or other cosmetic changes can be offered to repeat offenders.
Roast the pigs.
People who behave like pigs should be treated like one. So tie them up on a
spit (even if inserting the spit pig roasting style is a temptation) and stick
an apple (or a banana?) in their mouth so they can’t spew any more insults, and
let them turn on the spit for at least the duration of the match, ideally in a
public location for maximum humiliation.
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| "Daddy? What's a racist?" |
Build stockades in
front of the stadiums and let people pelt the racists with fruit. I’m
pretty sure that by a), locking them up outside the stadium, and b), giving the
power to the mobs to punish them, this method will work a little bit better than banners. A medieval practice deserves a
medieval punishment.
Send them to live
with actual monkeys. If these people think they know so much about monkeys,
lock them in a cage with some. For a week. Or more, whatever. The point is,
having to live with and live like monkeys might open their eyes a little. To
that end, I think the players or others who have been abused should get to
throw bananas and shout at them while in the monkey cage. It won’t make up for
the damage done, but turning the tables on these Neanderthals it might make
them think twice before they make monkey chants again.
Waterboarding (or
other forms of torture.) Hey, if the U.S. can do it, then it must be
humane. And considering that racist behavior is more animal than human, I
suspect it should be PETA we would worry about monitoring FIFA here. Either
way, I think the racially abused players should also be allowed to participate
in or at least watch said torture. Again, it can never undo what was done, but
it might at least help them feel some sense of justice.
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| Permanent identification for repeat offenders |
Face tattoos.
Okay, so maybe this one isn’t for first time offenders, but maybe a three
strikes rule could go into effect here. For repeat offenders, though, I think
it’s fair to label on the outside what is going on inside so everyone can
instantly see them for the kind of person that they are. Even better than the
Scarlet Letter.
Aversion therapy.
Every time someone does something to racially abuse someone, electrical shocks
are sent to their stadium seat and the ground beneath/in front of it. The
voltage increases with every instance of abuse. And honestly, if they don’t get
the message, I am okay with fatalities if the voltage goes too high or if there
are heart problems or whatever. Just call it natural selection. It also really
cuts down on repeat offenders if they leave the stadium in a body bag.
Put them all in a pit
and let them fight to the death. You can make some extra money by allowing
spectators. And maybe even a little more money by selling things for the
spectators to throw at the racist gladiators. How about throwing monkey feces
at the racists, for example? Plus, you will be cutting down on the racist
population. Like killing two birds with one stone…. hmmm…. stones….
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| Too bad they couldn't just wear their regular jerseys |
Perhaps some of these extreme ideas are not considered
“politically correct.” But last I checked, neither was being racist. Yet that
horrible Neanderthal practice is alive and well. And condemning it with banners
and t-shirts hasn’t changed anything. Dear FIFA, waiting for “task forces” to
meet and come up with some other printed advertising is not working. Maybe you
could join the 21st century and find some better methods of eradicating this
disease from the beautiful game? UEFA took a promising step forward by
approving increased fines and bans, but will even that be enough? Because if
not, I’m about ready to bring my Extreme Anti-Racism Campaign to a stadium near
you.
This post inspired by the music of Rage
Against the Machine