Milan is going nowhere fast. With epic fails from the
management down to Matri, it can be tough when you bleed red and black. Tough,
but not impossible. To help you get through this painful time when watching
your beloved team actually physically hurts, we are bringing you this survival
guide. After consulting a couple of Inter fans, whose job it is to hurt, even
during success, we feel that the following tried and true methods will help
ease the burden of being a Milanista during Year One Zero WTF.
1) Never eat too close to gametime. Avoid greasy or spicy
foods that will react with the instant nausea at kickoff or even upon seeing the lineups.
2) When checking to see where Milan are in the table, start
with number 10, then remove one digit, and Milan will always be in the top of
the table.
3) Watch the MLS. Or maybe even kids’ football, and imagine
they are Milan’s next opponent. While this requires some creative thinking, the
result is worth the effort, and you should feel something called “optimism,” if
you can remember what that is.
4) Use any leftover foil from dinner to fashion new trophies
for Milan. Like “Fewest Turnovers in a Half” or “Successfully Defended a Set
Piece.” By celebrating the little accomplishments, by the end of the season,
you could have your own trophy case of up to half a dozen trophies.
5) Don’t watch any other European football. If you
accidentally switch on a match like Sassuolo-Livorno, for example, tell
yourself it’s a Champions League final and dream big.
 |
| CHAMPYUNS LEAG SUPASTARS FTW |
6) To avoid any unfortunate commentating which talks about
how far Milan have fallen, keep a stereo set to full volume and blast it to
overpower your TV or stream. A song like AC/DC’s “Highway to Hell” would be
particularly useful here.
7) If you are reading or watching the news and you see the
Berlusconi name, STOP. Nothing good can come from knowing what is going on in
that family and why Silvio spends more per year on alimony than he does on the
mercato, for example.
8) Don’t invite friends over for games, particularly fans of
rival clubs. They won’t understand your pain, and will respect you more when
they don’t see you cursing, screaming, and huddled up in a ball crying.
9) Drink. Early, often, and always. Your liver will still be
better off than if it had gone to Milan Lab, and the alcohol will serve not
only to numb some of the pain, but to help you forget.
10) Commiserate with other Milan fans, like frequenting
Milan Obsession. They are the only ones who understand your pain, and misery
loves company.
 |
| One of each, please |
If you carefully follow these 10 steps, you have a chance of
surviving this season. It may not be easy, but Milan’s actual trophy room shows
it will always be worth it… someday. Besides, it’s not as if you can get a
heart transplant or a blood transfusion, so it’s best to treat the symptoms for
survival. And speaking of survival, if you have any other survival tips for
your fellow Milanisti, please post them in the comments section. It could be a
matter of life or death.
This post inspired by the music of
Suicidal Tendencies