The Italian TV show Striscia la Notizia has their Tapiro
d’Oro (golden tapir) award, and RAI Radio 2 has the Bidone d’Oro (golden
trashcan) award. But until now, Milan Obsession did not have an award to
exemplify the utter failings, the sheer inadequacy, the implosion of all
capability whatsoever that we are currently witnessing at AC Milan. So it is
with complete and total wrath and retribution that I present to you the newest
measure for human failure in football: The Golden Matri™.
The Golden Matri™ is represented by the tackiest, most
horrible kit to grace Milan players in my lifetime. (And if you also have
horrible taste and actually like the hideous thing, just know it is coming from
a place of severe abhorrence and revulsion. Oh, and get some taste.) It is
decorated with the number 9 and Matri’s name, again to show the demise of a
legendary number coupled with the most expensive and worthless excuse for a
striker we have seen during the days of Budget Milan™. (And even if you like
Matri, or he finally starts scoring, remember that this award comes from the
place where optimism is now a rotting pile of putrid entrails.) So now that you
understand the level of failure required to earn a Golden Matri™, I present for
your disdain, the recipients of the
October 2013 Golden Matris:
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| Goal Face |
Worst Goal
Celebration: Massimiliano Allegri
I think most people were expecting this one to be given to
Matri, but you must remember that we haven’t seen his goal celebration yet, not
even vs. Ligue 2 side Caen. So this honor is bestowed upon the lovable and
personable motivator we call manager, Massimiliano Allegri, for his wildly
joyous and celebratory “goal face.”
Worst Excuse for
Sports Medicine: Milan Lab
If my child were dying, and the only place I could find any
care for him was Milan Lab, I would not take him there. The players would be
better off treating each other with tonics and superstitious charms than being
treated by Milan Lab, the face of failure when it comes to sports medicine.
Worst Math Skills:
Adriano Galliani
Here’s a math problem for you, Mr. Galliani: If you have a
young player that you can develop and who is already on the books, and you have
the chance to buy an overrated 29 year-old striker from a direct rival for €11m
over 4 years time, and neither of them score, which one is more expensive? All
of those years as a DS and CEO have clearly been wasted.
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| This is a GOOD hair day |
Worst Hair: Kevin
Constant
Alright, I’m gonna say this with love: you weren’t blessed
in the looks department. And that’s okay, because I judge you by what you do on
the pitch. Except when you do even more ridiculous things with your hair. Then you
are like the really fat girl wearing all spandex, and you’ve brought my
judgment upon yourself.
Worst Supporting
Actor: Silvio Berlusconi
For his role in the “I Support Allegri” sketch starting in
June of this year, Mr. Berlusconi wins best supporting actor. (Rumors of him being drugged daily to keep
him from taking action against the war crimes of keeping Allegri on have not
been verified as of this writing.)
Worst Actor in a
Leading Role: Mario Balotelli
I feel for you, big guy. Life has not been kind to you with
all of the fouling and the lack of referee protection and the racist fans and
everything. But if you keep falling over like that little Neymar brat, I’m
gonna have to bring you to Hollywood, because your acting is starting to
eclipse your playing skills.
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| Baby-eating is not a sign of good parenting |
Most Questionable
Parenting: Ignazio Abate
I know Milan has fallen on hard times, but this picture is a
frightening forecast for the financial future of the club. It seems that Abate
has been forced to feed his one son to the other one, which also raises
questions of cannibalism, ethics, and of course, good parenting.
Worst Fighter:
Philippe Mexes
A combination of the most red cards and perhaps the least to
show for it. He is now serving a four match ban for trying to punch Giorgio
Chiellini. But he barely made contact, he hits like a girl. Next time you’re
going to cost your team what little defense we have for four matches, at least
give the guy something to remember you by.
Worst Missionary:
Ricardo Kaká
He says he belongs to Jesus, but Jesus healed the sick. I
don’t buy it. Jesus also overcame death, therefore is probably the only one to ever
have any power over Milan Lab. Say your prayers, Mr. Religion, we desperately
need you healthy this season.
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| No, you belong to Milan Lab. |
I hope that the Golden Matris™ will not become a regular
feature here. But if they do, I promise to bring you the individual recognition
our team deserves with the sober and contemplative thought and hard-hitting
journalism that Milan Obsession is known for.
This post inspired by the music of
Sonic Youth’s “Superstar”
Our next match is
Milan vs. Udinese
Saturday, October 19 • 20:45 CEST (2:45 EDT)