With
such poor results, tons of media rumors, and even the Curva recently protesting
against the club, many are asking questions about the meltdown at Milan. And
lots of people have their own theories as to answers, too. But are they asking
the right questions? Today, I’ve asked 10 of the really super duper ultra
important and incredibly serious questions to Pete Acquaviva of DAI DAI
DAI and David Swan of AC
Milan Finance, and the three of us feel that we have really dug deep
and come up with practical and reasonable answers and solutions for AC Milan at
this delicate time at the club. You’re welcome.
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| You can't handle the truth. |
David: Balotelli played better with the Mohawk. In
fact, ever since the team has lost the mohawks, the performances have dipped. I
think Milan need to be listening to the personal stylist a little more, not
sacking him/her.
Pete: He’s been in decline for years and I’m
amazed after failing to reach the heights of his debut year that he’s still a
factor for Silvio’s other head.
Elaine: I seriously doubt Berlusconi’s "personal stylist" organized the Bunga Bunga parties, but aesthetically, it’s not
working at all. Sack her. If she’s old enough to be legally employed in the
first place.
Milan’s commitment to youth
project has taken a strange turn, with 29 year-old Barbara Berlusconi being
given increased responsibility and rumors that 69 year-old Galliani could be
phased out. Do you think this move is for aesthetics purposes, simply a case of
nepotism, or an attempted apology for veering from the plan this summer?
David: You women have the players coming onto the pitch with their children, we
get Barbara. In the words of the famous Ra's al Ghul, justice is balance.
Pete: Reports from deep inside Arcore
suggest that Barbara and Galliani have been trying to conceive for years, with
Pato brought in as a possible donor. No successes from Adriano yet, but with
his age and lack of performance it’s understandable if Barbara is looking for
a replacement.
Elaine: I think it’s all a ploy to
create drama and take away the focus from the biggest problem at Milan:
Allegri’s dentist. Seriously.
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| I never promised you a rose garden |
Allegri has taken a lot of blame
for poor performances and results this season and many fans have called for him
to be sacked. If he were actually sacked, what do you think the impact would be
on the use of the phrase Dai Dai Dai in Italy?
David: It would only grow in memory of him. Sacking
the man is futile if you genuinely want the use of this phrase to die out. See
what I did there? Well do you!?
Pete: I worry that there may not be order in
the streets should Allegri be relieved.
Elaine: I hear Conte is looking for a
new catch phrase, and is just waiting for the chance to steal it.
Milan’s meltdown has been very
public. Do you think it was an effort on Berlusconi’s part to keep media
personnel employed during Italy’s financial crisis?
David: Even La Gazzetta have had enough of it now -
their two-day journalists' strike last week was clearly a message to the club
that they don't want to report on this rubbish anymore. And that they want
Barbara. Barbara at the club = photos in La Gazzetta every day, and what
journalist wouldn't want to work on that every day?
Pete: I think it was a conscious effort
to support strip clubs across Milano, as Mediaset reports Allegri frequents the
same strip club “Ruby” worked for. Allegri’s stress levels were kept at a high
level to prevent Ruby from saying the entire truth, although Silvio did take a
bit of a hit which would explain why Allegri is soon to be shot out into space.
Elaine: There’s no way he is that
altruistic. I think he’s getting a cut of the increased sales of the
international papers.
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| They can't agree on matching pantsuits |
Do you think it’s just a
coincidence that Moratti sold his majority of Inter after Milan was well on
their way to self-destruction? If not, what percentage would you blame Moratti
for our current situation?
David: I think your question should be 'is it a
coincidence that Moratti sold his majority just as Galliani was being put under
pressure?' Fully expecting a Moratti-Berlusconi double act at the helm of
Milan, bringing us back to the glory days.
Pete: Yes, pure coincidence - I’m pretty sure
Moratti is selling his stake in Inter to invest in Marlboro.
Elaine: Not a coincidence at all, he’s
been working on this since he put Calciopoli into motion. Now he can sit back
and enjoy the show.
The purchase of Matri has
baffled fans worldwide. Do you think it was because Galliani is a former
Juventus supporter? Or a payoff for not holding the Trofeo Berlusconi
tournament this year?
David: I'll let you all in on a secret - Galliani is
actually playing a real life version of FIFA Ultimate Team. He had to buy Matri
to improve the chemistry rating in attack. His next task is to bring some
Brasilvers to Milan.
Pete: Nargi.
Elaine: Matri is Allegri’s secret
lovechild, and Juventus found out. The €11m was just hush money.
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| Federica Nargi: The €11m WAG |
Many people have blamed the
quality of the squad for performances this season. But no one seems to have
considered the giant red busts created for the Seconda Pelle exhibit that have
been placed at Milanello around the same time as our downturn. Are these poor
performances simply a coincidence? Or do the busts have some kind of magical
powers to weaken the players’ abilities?
David: I think you'll find if you change those busts
to the beautiful gold jerseys, the performances will improve to reflect the
fact that it is by far and away the best jersey in Milan's history, regardless
of what a certain Milan blogging fashionista claims.
Pete: These questions are slowly becoming a
conspiracy theory that is so much less likely than the reality of the
situation: Allegri fell out with Ruby and now Silvio has to “take care of the
problem”.
Elaine: It shouldn’t be a secret that
the busts were made of a strange metal found in a meteorite, so probably have
some kind of powers like kryptonite. Especially considering the meteorite had
the Inter logo and was blue and black striped.
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| Mysterious. |
Milan have had another season
with an extraordinary amount of injuries, particularly muscle injuries. Do you
think it is due to Audi’s design and engineering, since they all drive Audi
cars? Or is it possibly that the gold jerseys are actually made of gold, and
cause various muscle problems due to the weight?
David: I will not comment on the muscle injuries. I
will not comment on the muscle injuries. I will not comment on the
muscle injuries. I will not comment on the muscle injuries. I will not comment
on the muscle injuries. I will not comment on the mus.....
Pete: I blame Fly
Emirates, because they’re machines. Planes. They’re an airline. It’s no
surprise they have no idea how to run MilanLab.
Elaine: Those jerseys do not need to be
made of real gold to cause injuries. Hell, they cause injuries to the eyes of
everyone who is forced to look upon them. It’s obvious: lose the gold jerseys,
lose the injuries.
The Curva Sud have twice been
punished by the FIGC for territorial discrimination this season, with the
second punishment suspended for one year. Do you think this is because other
teams want to undermine their amazing coreo? Or is it that the FIGC simply do
not know their geography, and are confused when the Curva sing “We are not
N**politans?”
David: They are using these sanctions as a form of
social control, to prevent anomie from breaking out amongst Serie A.
They've done
exceptionally well to bring Jackson Toby's theory from the late 50s into the
modern day, and they are clearly concerned about Italian football fans falling
into the delinquency, a state that Toby felt arose from the gang socialisation
that is so evident amongst Italian football curve.
Pete: I think the curva are talking about the
ice cream, which makes this all a big misunderstanding.
Elaine: Definitely the coreo. Whereas
Napoli fans are too busy attacking opponents’ busses and throwing urine-filled
balloons at opposing fans, Milan have the best coreo in the world. It was only
a matter of time before they found a way to take our Curva down.
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| Everyone wants a piece of this, including the FIGC.... |
A lot of people want to see some
change at Milan. If you could only replace one person at Milan right now with a
Lord of the Rings character, who would you replace, and with which character?
Why?
David: Lord of the Rings is a pile of ****. I've not
seen that rubbish, and if I had I wouldn't admit to it. I will choose my own
film trilogy - that trilogy will be Star Wars (the original three).
I would replace
Galliani with Darth Vader, so he can say "you don't know the poooowwwweeeerrrrr
of "(insert player/something to do with Milan)"
Pete: I’d have to replace Allegri with
Saruman, as Saruman did a much better job commanding the Orcs.
Elaine: My choice would be to replace
Barbara Berlusconi with Éowyn, shieldmaiden of Rohan. She killed the Witch King
of Angmar, something no man could do, and it will take nothing short of that to
take on both her father and Galliani and right this ship. (Plus Miranda Otto is
way hotter than Barbara, so it’s a win-win.)
Thanks so much to Pete Acquaviva of DAI DAI DAI and David Swan of AC Milan Finance for sharing their incredible Milan wisdom with us on all of these very important matters. For more wisdom that would make Confucius proud, please follow us on
Twitter: @PDAcquaviva, @DavidLSwan, and @milanobsession*
*Satisfaction
not guaranteed, no refunds, just like Milan’s season this year.