While
one countdown to the New Year came to a close, another began. Allegri gave an
interview to La Gazzetta dello Sport that was published on New Year’s Eve in
which he reiterated that this season will be his final season at AC Milan. And
while the cheers and celebrations of Milanisti worldwide upon hearing this from
his mouth were audible, nay even palpable, the rest of the interview was a
reminder of Allegri’s most enduring legacy at Milan, as the Delusionist.
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| "Look how handsome I am" |
"I did things that had to be done in order
to rejuvenate Milan. I did those things in accordance with the management, and
somebody sees me as hatchet man, but I have never been that type of person. We
did what was required; in three seasons,
the squad and I obtained the results that the management asked of us.”
Where
to begin? Freezing out a legend like Pippo Inzaghi, sending a player like
Andrea Pirlo to a rival club on a free transfer… and yet management did worse,
announcing the captain Massimo Ambrosini’s departure to the press before they
told him and allowing him to go to a rival club on a free transfer. It has all
been world class level failure. But his quote about obtaining the results the
management asked of him is right, if you consider only their last-ditch
requests for Champions League qualification. Because at the beginning of the
season, he was asked to win.
"What kind of Milan I'm leaving to the
next coach? I leave a good team that
earned the love of the fans. A team that with a few adjustments will have a
future."
A team
that earned the love of the fans… like at the Genoa game? Okay. (calls the
psych ward.)
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| "Mister: With how the team is playing there is little to be happy (Allegri) about" |
"I was sure that I was going to be the
coach that would bring Milan their second gold star (i.e. their 20th Serie A
title), but my second league campaign at
Milan was decided partially by a goal that wasn't validated (Muntari's goal
against Juventus).
Umm…
okay. Let’s forget about the literally dozens
of ref calls that went in our favor the past couple of years (I’m sure
Fiorentina could helps us remember,) and blame all of your failures that season
on a single ref call. (has anyone got any anti-psychotic drugs to spare?)
"The real regret about this season is that
I have never had all the players at my disposal.”
Okay, so
last season and the season before we actually had more injuries, but since we finished 2nd and 3rd those seasons,
let’s blame the current 13th place standing on injuries. Sure, that’s perfectly
logical. (and this is why psychiatrists and psychologists are often considered
crazier than their patients… they see people like Allegri all the time!)
Many things have gone badly in the last part of
2013, but I'm sorry that our medical staff and athletic coaches are being
blamed. That really makes me angry."
Okay,
this one I kind of have to agree with. It’s difficult to put the blame on any
one person or portion of the staff. Our injuries have been almost as mindboggling
as Allegri’s insights. And yet in any other field, the people responsible for
overseeing a specific aspect of the company must take… what is that called
again? Oh yeah, responsibility.
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| "Another injury? Don't blame those in charge of fitness!" |
"If
the results are lacking then it's always the coach's fault. The last four
months of 2013 have been disastrous, but I have always worked with enthusiasm
and I will do that until the end."
This one
reminds me of the Star Wars kid on YouTube. His failure was epic, but he did it with
enthusiasm. (come to think of it, this analogy may not be fair to the Star Wars
kid. Sorry, Star Wars kid.)
"The management kept me because they
didn't have any alternatives? If the
management didn't have any alternatives then it means that I'm really good and
that they couldn't find a better coach."
Right.
Any scientist will tell you that absence of evidence is not proof of anything.
And I would go further to say that if you started out with a winning team, ran
it into the ground, and even with star players are in 13th place, there is more
evidence to the contrary than proof positive. Besides, didn’t you just
say a minute ago that results are a coach’s fault? (Seriously, when are those
men with the straitjackets going to get here? This man is certifiable.)
"People say that Milan have been playing
poorly? We have also been playing well.”
Ummm…
okay. I counter that argument with “People say the earth is round? It is also
flat.” (now I’m going crazy.)
"If I regret signing Matri? No, because we
needed him in that moment, and he has always been scoring goals. He will also
score goals for Milan. If he is for sale? Why should he be?
Sorry,
do I really need to say something here? Other than maybe of course he shouldn’t
be for sale, we haven’t even paid him off yet. Let’s keep him for all four
years of his contract not scoring
goals, and then sell him. And meanwhile loan or sell the young players who cost
a fraction of your little buddy and score more goals while warming up in
training than Matri has scored for Milan.
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| Because it's super funny that we should expect this striker to score goals |
"Why the Milan fans should be excited and
passionate about Milan? Because the wind can change like it happened last
season. We have to take it match by match and with calmness - and we have to
remember that we are the only Italian team left in the Champions League."
Translation:
Berlusconi is late on the checks to the refs this season, so just wait and see.
Milan will start winning in spite of me. But lest you forget, in spite of the
worst game Milan has played in years, we are the only Italian team left
in the Champions League. So step right up, co-dependent Milan fans, and spend your hard-earned money to watch us fall flat on our faces again and again.
There is
so little truth and so much delusion in his words, it is nearly unthinkable. In
addition to the usual postmatch “We played well, but we merely lacked a goal”
or “We simply had a few individual errors,” we now have an overview of the
man’s legacy that shows that he is entirely out of touch with reality. I think someone has been sniffing too much trophy
polish while worshipping his Scudetto and Supercoppa trophies. But even as fans
are anxiously counting down the end of his reign of terror, it is unlikely he
will be remembered for those trophies. Because after reading this interview,
the entire psychiatric industry is going to want a piece of this action. Just
call him The Delusionist.
Special thanks to @Milanello on Twitter for the fantastic translation
of this interview
This
post inspired by the music of Napoleon XIV’s “They’re Coming to Take Me Away”
Our next match is a friendly
to be played at Milanello
Monday, January 6 • 15:00 CET (9am EST)