In my continued efforts to blur the lines between fact,
fiction, and pure ridiculousness, here is my fourth installment of the hard-hitting
question on everyone’s mind, the whereabouts and adventures of our past Milan
players as well as when they actually played for Milan*. If you would like to
know about other past players, you might enjoy Part
I, Part
II, and Part
III as well.
 |
| "Wait. You're telling me that's my Ferrari?" |
M’Baye Niang
(2012-2013) – currently on loan to French club Montpellier, he is like a
lucky rabbit’s foot… that is still attached to the rabbit… and likes to score…
a lot. With four goals in six appearances, he has the opposite problem as he
had at Milan: he can’t stop scoring. And, in his continued confusion with cars,
someone else apparently wrapped his Ferrari around a tree this week. (Maybe it
was Traoré?)
Roberto Antonelli
(1977-1982) Serie B’s capo canonniere in 1981 when Milan had been
relegated, he bookended his playing career with spells at Monza and a move to
Genoa after he left Milan. After spending 13 years coaching lower division
teams he now seems content to be Genoa left back Luca Antonelli’s father.
Bakaye Traoré
(2012-2013) After his unforgettable seven official appearances for Milan,
Traoré was sent on loan to Turkey, where he does not loan underage drivers his
car. However, rumors started just here and now place him in France, perhaps
having been the mystery driver of Niang’s red Ferrari, may it rest in peace.
Filippo Inzaghi
(2001-2012) After an emotional retirement from both Milan and football,
Inzaghi was found to have a collection of corner flags stockpiled in his place.
He coaches the Primavera team by day, and by night, he breaks out the corner
flags and still celebrates every goal as if he had just won the world cup.
Which, as you know, is how he gets all the ladies.
Luca Antonini
(2008-2013) Having won 'Father of the Year' from every woman who ever
followed him on Twitter and saw his adorable pictures of him with his
daughters, Antonini knew it was time to move on from Milan. At Genoa, in just 17
appearances, he has doubled his goal count that he had in 81 appearances at
Milan. What can he say? He’s inspired by the Gryffin.
Lorenzo Buffon
(1949-1959) Milan once had our own Buffon. With 277 appearances for us, he
went on to play for Genoa, Inter, and Fiorentina, too. He was the originator of
the Superman Goalkeeping Gene™, passing it on to his cousin’s grandson, some
guy called Gianluigi Buffon. Some say, at age 84, he is still better than
Amelia.
Massimo Ambrosini
(1995-1997, 1998-2013) After 17 years with Milan, and four years as
captain, Ambrosini was kicked to the curb by management. But he was resilient.
No way was he going to sit at home and watch dubbed episodes of Oprah while
eating Balocco cookies. Instead, he now bosses Fiorentina’s midfield. He is a
survivor, and is rumored to be founding a group for players who were forced out
by Allegri.
Paolo Maldini
(1984-2009) Despite insults from Milan’s Curva Sud at his farewell match,
and his son Christian being sent on loan to Brescia, Maldini remains very
loyal to Milan. While Galliani is still offended by the time that Paolo
mistakenly took the last pudding, it is rumored that the ex-Captain has a phone
that he even sleeps with, hoping to get that
call from Milan management to come in from the cold and work for Milan again.
Mathieu Flamini
(2008-2013) Despite people saying that his bone-breaking career was over,
Flamini left Milan to return to Arsenal, where there had been a severe shortage
of two-footed tackles since he left. Meanwhile, he has officially turned over
the purveyor of The Flamini Special™ tackles in Serie A to Muntari, so as not
to upset the balance or reduce the number of serious injuries to opponents.
Alessandro Nesta
(2002-2012) After leaving Milan, Nesta went to the MLS to play for Rob Ford's Toronto Impact. Once he realized that not all North American destinations have
the climate of Miami, he officially retired from football. Now he spends his
days on Twitter, trolling others with weather reports from sunny Miami all winter
long.
Kevin-Prince Boateng
(2010-2013) After abruptly walking away from Milan without even saying
goodbye to his teammates, Boateng went to Bundesliga side Schalke 04, where his
NASA threat has been downgraded to “friendly fire.” When he’s not actually
finding the back of the net, he enjoys shopping, getting his hair done, wearing
trendy outfits, having pedicures, and crying about the club he left behind.
Marcel Desailly
(1993-1998) After leaving AC Milan, Desailly won the World Cup 1998 and
also Euro 2000 with France, proving that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. He continued playing for Chelsea for 6 years, and
another couple of years in Qatar. He now serves as the UNICEF ambassador for Ghana,
and is involved in a number of charities, particularly those involved with
football.
*Names and dates are
virtually accurate, other information may be real, imagined, or as absurd and
made up as some of the other “facts” people post on Twitter, Milan forums, or
even in this comment section.
This post inspired by the music of Dramarama
Our next match is
Napoli vs. Milan
Saturday, February 8 • 20:45 CET (2:45 EST)