FFP: Financial Faux Pas

Much has been spoken of UEFA’s revolutionary new moneymaking venture, Financial Fair Play, or FFP. Oh, I’m sorry, did I say moneymaking venture? I meant their attempts to create more equality between the haves and have nots in European football. Also known as UEFA getting a piece of the pie. I jest, and UEFA insists the monies from fines will be redistributed amongst the clubs, not kept by their organization. But if you want to have a look at some real mismanagement in the financial area, look no further than our beloved AC Milan. Our history of FFP goes back much longer than UEFA’s new policies, because we excel at the original FFP: Financial Faux Pas.

If you think UEFA's FFP policy is a joke, you should see how AC Milan run their club's finances

My Abusive Relationship with Milan

They say that there is no abuse in love. Clearly, they have never been a Milan fan. And just like a child of an abusive parent, I have red and black blood, so it makes things even harder to sort out. For the past two summers, though, the abuse has increased exponentially. So, like a child who learns to lay low when daddy comes home smelling of alcohol, you’d think I would expect the douchebaggery that has kicked off yet another alcoholic summer.

"Fans should thank me when I sell the best players and sack all of my coaches"

Why Even Bother?

By the time I am done writing this, Hachim Mastour will probably have been forced into early retirement and Daniel Maldini will have been snubbed once again for the coaching position at Milan in favor of the legendary Milan striker, Cosimo La Ferrara. Because that is more believable than the news after Berlusconi’s power meeting yesterday in Arcore. La Gazzetta dello Sport reports that as soon as Milan have reached a severance package agreement with Clarence Seedorf, Pippo Inzaghi will be named the new coach of the first team. You know, because after 19 whole weeks of being Milan’s coach, it was clearly time for Seedorf to move on. Why even bother?

"You're telling me they're gonna sack me after less than five months and give you my job?"

Falling Behind

With Real Madrid winning their 10th Champions League title yesterday, and more poignantly with former Milan coach Carlo Ancelotti guiding them to la Décima, it became even more painfully clear how far Milan have fallen behind. Milan have seven Champions League trophies, and Real Madrid now have ten. While it made me proud to see the Milan logo proudly displayed on the pre- and postmatch graphics talking about clubs with the most titles, it was also painful, because we are so far away from earning another one. And not just losing ground in Europe, in Serie A and in general.

Like seeing your ex-girlfriend, even hotter and happier with your best friend

Podcast: Like the Ceiling Can’t Hold Us

One of the first things that Seedorf did when he was hired was to have the team pick out a song to come out onto the pitch to at the San Siro. Together, they picked “Can’t Hold Us” By Macklemore and Ryan Lewis featuring Ray Dalton, and the rest of their season embodied the spirit of this song. So while we looked back on the performances of this painful season and also look forward to the great unknown that is this summer’s mercato, I thought we as fans could take inspiration from the team and look to the future like the ceiling can’t hold us.

Like the ceiling can't hold us

Welcome Home

Milan are entering a “new era” with the move from the legendary Via Turati 3 to Via Aldo Rossi 8. The new Casa Milan is sleek and sophisticated, but unlike Via Turati, it is open to the public. It features a store, a restaurant, and a museum to attract fans. It also features a giant screen on the outside, and for only €15, you can get into the amazing new trophy room to see history for yourself. Casa Milan is Milan’s headquarters, but is also a new gathering place for fans. Welcome home, Milan.

The new home, complete with a giant screen for watching matches

Milan 2, Sassuolo 1: Sometimes You Win…

We won. I should be thrilled. Seedorf’s Milan earned 35 points in 19 games, compared to Allegri’s Milan earning only 22 points in 19 games. So finishing with a win should make me happy. But if you look at Milan by the numbers, it’s understandable why this victory didn’t drive fans’ happiness off the Richter scale. Not even narrowly avoiding Europe to give the team a chance to rebuild is enough to make me scream and shout about this season. It is enough that the corners of my mouth are slightly turned up at this point. Sometimes you win, and sometimes you’re just happy to have survived a season like this.

Definitely worth a fist bump or whatever that is.

Milan vs. Sassuolo: I Get Knocked Down

You’re never gonna keep him down

Milan-Sassuolo Preview: The Little Team That Could

Our final match of the season is significant in many ways. First on the minds of many Milanisti is that a win could still put us in the hunt for a Europa League qualifying spot, depending on the results of other games that will be played at the same time. Second, if you’ll remember, it was spunky little Sassuolo who put the final nail in the coffin for our dear Allegri’s tenure at Milan in January. So I have a very special spot in my heart for them. But truly the biggest story in all of this is that Sassuolo were promoted for the very first time this season to Serie A, and have managed to avoid relegation with some very impressive draws and wins against bigger clubs. They are the little team that could.

There's a reason that kryptonite is green, Milan were helpless against his four goals in January

Douchebaggery by the Numbers

It is difficult to quantify the levels of douchebaggery at Milan this season. But that didn’t stop me from trying. Ahead of our final match of the season, I wanted to put some stats together for you to demonstrate some of the atrocities fans have endured at the hands of our beloved club this season. Even though numbers do not truly do justice to our pain, it helps me to see that my pain was not imagined. Where actual stats were not available, I have offered my best guesstimate, which is not a guarantee of accuracy or even sanity. I give to you Milan’s Douchebaggery by the Numbers:

Unforgiveable, unforgettable.

Poor Little Rich Boy

Silvio Berlusconi is a horrible person. He has done some really terrible things in his time, and has an ego that allows him to somehow justify it all. I generally try to separate his personal, political, legal and business affairs from his role as owner of AC Milan, even though they are unfortunately all tied together. But even then, sometimes it becomes very difficult to maintain even a shred of respect for him and his infamous pocketbook. Especially when he says things like he did yesterday. Silvio, it’s not enough that you buy strikers like Rob Ford buys crack, or that you sell important players when you actually bother to look at the club’s bottom line and realize you never could afford them. But then to alienate the fans who you say you want to keep coming to the stadium…. No one ever feels bad for that poor little rich boy, Silvio.

You couldn't possibly alienate your "customers" any more... could you?

Atalanta 2, Milan 1: Not Even About the Game

The game was so early for me that when I saw cameras pan to Rizzoli holding a knife and looking at it strangely, it didn’t compute. But when I saw the banana, it became too obvious: Atalanta fans were taking a game in which their team had nothing to play for and giving it meaning. If by meaning, they thought that putting their hat in the ring for the worst fans of the season in a season where we saw some truly horrifying things, than yeah. They threw at least one knife and reportedly two bananas on the pitch, showing the world that Serie A fans are much worse than La Liga fans, or maybe fans of any other major league. Your team may have scored all 3 goals today, but no one cares about that, Atalanta fans. It’s not even about the game anymore, is it?

Welcome back, il Faraone! We missed you

Atalanta vs. Milan: It’s All About Me

With nothing left to play for except a Europa League spot that five other teams are playing for, and a kickoff time that is at 3:30am my time on Mother’s Day here in the States, I’ve decided to make this game all about me. I mean Atalanta are called the Goddess, right? Then of course this one is all about me.

Last time we played Atalanta, it was all about him. Now it's my turn.

The Obligatory New Kit Post 2014-15

In a slow news week, you would think I would have been all over the release of the new kits, particularly with my fashion background. But I am not excited about these new kits at all. The first and third kits were officially released this week, and the excitement surrounding them really couldn’t be any less. Despite Galliani’s ridiculous superstitions about the yellow shirt, Milan’s approved designs for next year reflect this past year’s season, without any hope of a Seedorf to rescue them. That’s right, guys, next year’s kits have been Allegri-ed™.

Standing proud no matter how ridiculous the designs are, our new 2014-15 home kits

Podcast: Derby Champions

In case you hadn’t heard, Milan won the Derby on Sunday for the first time in nearly three years. On that high this podcast was recorded, albeit with a healthy fear of playing in the Europa League. We also look to next season, specifically Seedorf’s future as well as the fate of a beloved player and Milanista.

Champions of Milano

Milan 1, Inter 0: Beyond Words

Much like the Derby win three years ago, I am filled with emotions that are difficult to put into mere words. After everything we have been subjected to this past three years, tonight’s victory feels like some sort of justice has been served. That all is going to be right in the world again. A vindication for Milan fans, and a putting of Inter in their place again. One goal to rule them all.

Exactly.

Milan vs. Inter: Eradicate Target

Snakehunt.

Milan-Inter: The Trouble With Snakes

People glibly make jokes about the number of Scudetti that Juve do or don’t have, but no one ever talks about why that number is in question. In the Calciopoli scandal, a lot of hands were bloody, and Milan and Inter’s were actually much more bloody than Juve’s once all of the evidence was discovered. Milan got away with minimal punishment, but Inter were unscathed. Why? Because they orchestrated the whole thing and conveniently withheld all of the evidence implicating them until the statute of limitations ran out, like the snakes that they are. Forget Juve, what about Inter’s paper Scudetto? Or the treble they won after taking their competitors out of the equation and raiding their best players? That’s the trouble with snakes. People say the Derby della Madonnina is a family affair, but for me it will always be a grudge match.

He always wanted to wear this jersey