It is difficult to quantify the levels of douchebaggery at Milan
this season. But that didn’t stop me from trying. Ahead of our final match of the season, I wanted to put some stats
together for you to demonstrate some of the atrocities fans have endured at the
hands of our beloved club this season. Even though numbers do not truly do
justice to our pain, it helps me to see that my pain was not imagined. Where
actual stats were not available, I have offered my best guesstimate, which is
not a guarantee of accuracy or even sanity. I give to you Milan’s Douchebaggery
by the Numbers:
 |
| Unforgiveable, unforgettable. |
19 - Number of
games Allegri coached in Serie A
0 - Number of
games Allegri should have coached in Serie A
22 - Number of
points Allegri earned in Serie A
18 - Number of
games Seedorf coached in Serie A
32 - Number of
points Seedorf earned in Serie A
786 - Number of
times Allegri shouted “Dai Dai Dai” this season*
929 - Number of
times Seedorf smiled on the sidelines this season*
173 - Number of injuries
during Allegri’s tenure*
25 - Number of
days off that Seedorf gave to the players*
47 - Number of times
Allegri was confirmed this season*
0 - Number of
times Seedorf was confirmed this season*
 |
| "At least I made the douchebaggery post" |
15 - Number of Serie
A appearances Matri made for Milan
1 - Number of
goals Matri scored
0 - Number of
gappearances Matri should have made for Milan in Serie A
11 - Number of
euros (in millions) that Matri will cost us over four years
674 - Number of
fans that wished him bodily harm (in millions)*
0 – Number of
fans who are excited he is coming back from loan
48 - Number of
goals conceded by Milan this season
55 - Number of goals
scored by Milan this season
29 - Number of
appearances by Balotelli in Serie A
14 - Number of
goals by Balotelli in Serie A
6 - Number of
assists by Balotelli in Serie A
12,933 - Number
of times Balotelli was criticized in the media this season*
942 – Number of
tears of joy shed for Kaka this season (in millions)*
652 – Number of
interviews Taarabt has given since coming to Milan in January*
37 – Number of
players hospitalized due to Sulley “the Killer” Muntari this season*
5 – Number of
Serie A appearances made by El Shaarawy this season
 |
| How many CEO's do you need to take down a world class football club? |
2 - Number of
CEOs
0 - Number of
trophies won
15 - Number of
servings of alcohol per Milan fan per game this season*
983 - Number of
Milan fans who are now alcoholics (in millions)*
3 - Number of times
the Curva Sud did something overt to back their team this season*
12 - Number of
times I had to pull the fan cards of the Curva Sud for douchebaggery this
season*
1354 - Number of
“experts” who spoke out about Milan to anyone who would give them their 15
minutes of fame this season*
38 - Number of
times Berlusconi said something to alienate the fans this season*
79 - Number of
times Galliani said something to alienate the fans this season*
 |
| "I use more money for toilet paper each day than most fans will ever have in their lives" |
37 - Number of
Milan matches in Serie A I’ve watched this season
0 - Number of
times I will reflect back fondly on this season
234 - Number of
times I cried myself to sleep over Milan this season*
9 - Number of
years of my life Milan has taken from me this season*
38 - Number of
Milan matches in Serie A I will watch next season
* these numbers are
best guesstimates based on the level of anxiety associated with the subject
matter, PTSD-like flashbacks, and recalling reactions of fellow fans online.
This post was inspired by the music
of Jane Siberry’s “It Can’t Rain All the Time”
Our final match of the season
Milan vs. Sassuolo
Sunday, May 18 • 20:45 CEST (2:45pm EDT)