People glibly make jokes about the number of Scudetti that
Juve do or don’t have, but no one ever talks about why that number is in
question. In the Calciopoli scandal, a lot of hands were bloody, and Milan and
Inter’s were actually much more bloody than Juve’s once all of the evidence was
discovered. Milan got away with minimal punishment, but Inter were unscathed. Why?
Because they orchestrated the whole thing and conveniently withheld all of the
evidence implicating them until the statute of limitations ran out, like the
snakes that they are. Forget Juve, what about Inter’s paper Scudetto? Or the
treble they won after taking their competitors out of the equation and raiding
their best players? That’s the trouble with snakes. People say the Derby della
Madonnina is a family affair, but for me it will always be a grudge match.
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| He always wanted to wear this jersey |
Milan have not won a derby since the Supercoppa in 2011 in
Beijing, when we made Snake
Soup out of our cousins. And that includes the derby a year ago
October, when I made the pilgrimage
to the San Siro for my one and only live Milan match. So I have
developed quite the thirst for snake blood over these past three years, and it
will not be satisfied until we have eradicated i Biscioni properly. And what better time to do it than when it is
a home match for us?
Inter sit in 5th place, with 57 points, 6 points ahead of
us. So a Milan win in the derby would give us a chance to perhaps catch them,
should Lazio and/or Chievo also pull off wins. But it is more likely that any
or all of Inter’s final three matches will end in a draw, as their claim to
fame this season is the most draws in Serie A, with a whopping 15 and counting.
That’s almost half of their matches. Which sounds about right, because Inter
have never been a team who wins on their own merits. Like a parasite, they take
advantage of the success of others. Drawing matches is perfect for them, since
they are stealing points from their opponents once again without actually
winning.
You may also hear those Grass Snakes whining about only
getting one penalty call all season long. (I’m sure Moratti is wire-tapping
everyone in the league again to create a match-fixing scandal about that and
withhold evidence again.) But the truth is, the one penalty they did get was
saved. They complain about the referees, but when they are given the call, they
can’t take advantage of it. That’s the trouble with snakes. I would hide that
evidence, too, if I were them.
Mazzarri’s mediocre football has managed to put them in a
position to qualify for the Europa League next season, where Serie A teams not
called Milan compete and disappoint year after year. So they will be perfect.
And honestly, I don’t want Europa League for Milan next year, as
I’ve said repeatedly, so I hope they draw their way into an extra
competition next season where the only way they’d win would be to cheat. But I
still can’t root for them to win the derby. Instead, I will cheer for Torino,
Lazio, Verona, and Parma, and hope that I still get to taste that snake blood
come Sunday night.
Not that it matters, but in their snoozefest 0-0 draw with
Napoli last week, Mazzari lined up Handanovic; Andreolli, Campagnaro,
Ranocchia; Kovacic, Cambiasso, D’Ambrosio, Nagatomo, Hernanes; Palacio, and
Icardi. It seems Mazzari is only missing
Juan Jesus, but even with virtually a full squad, everyone knows that grass
snakes have no bite. So many story lines here, though, as this will be the
legendary Zanetti’s last derby before he retires, Icardi needs to be taken out
for crimes against human decency, and the first “Samurai Derby” with Honda
facing off against Japanese NT teammate Nagatomo.
Of course, it wouldn't be Milan if we didn’t have some stories
of our own going on. Like the undenied rumors that Seedorf could be coaching
one of his last matches for Milan. Which is ridiculous. The man gave up his
playing career to answer the call, he actually helped lift the Supercoppa
trophy the last time we defeated Inter, and Milan are going to lose faith in
him already? Another reason I’d like to show those snakes a thing or two, for
pride and bragging rights for Seedorf, who played for both teams himself.
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| Three protagonists, let's hope for a different ending this time. |
Another big story is that El Shaarawy could be available for
the match, having played 75 minutes with the Primavera last weekend. Whomever
Seedorf does or does not line up will surely be fodder for his sacking rumors,
but he has almost a complete roster to choose from, so I’m simply hoping he’ll
choose the ones who will punish i Cugini the
most. Goals by any or all of Balotelli, Pazzini, Silvestre, Muntari, and Poli
(all ex-Inter players) would be fine by me.
The trouble with snakes is that they can shed their skin,
but they will always be cold-blooded, slithering, legless, spineless pests
which must be eradicated. That’s right, I hate Inter. More than anything else
in this world. There is no rivalry with me, after what they did to Serie A and
how they claim to have won the same number of Scudetti as us, I want them to be
punished. Even at the expense of Milan, by qualifying for Europa League just to
take them down. The trouble with snakes is that there are just too many of
them.
This post inspired by the music of
Front 242’s “Headhunter”
Milan vs. Inter
Sunday, May 4 • 20:45 EST (2:45pm EDT)
This match will be shown LIVE on RAI in the US
Check comments for stream links ahead of match