Now that the mercato is open, rumors are a dime a dozen.
Fans and journalists alike apparently will not sleep until every last player is
linked to Milan and every last Milan player is linked with a move away. But I’m
impatient. I don’t want to wait until September to find out what’s going on, so
with a little help from my wise young children, we’ve taken the liberty of
predicting Milan’s entire mercato for you now. You’re welcome.
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| Quit while you're ahead |
OUT:
After Turkish side Balikesirspor
withdrew their offer for Zaccardo,
he realized that if Turkey didn’t even want him, it was time to retire, so he
signed with Juventus instead.
Birsa, often
referred to as “The Slovenian Messi,” was swapped for Tonga’s 44 year old
midfielder, Lokoua Taufahema. Birsa
will now star for Taufahema’s former club, Lotoha'apai United, and Milan once again renews
its commitment to youth.
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| He'll drive all of the women crazy... or something. |
After much consideration, Constant, having received much attention for his selfie, decided
that a career in exotic dancing was more lucrative. So he nullified his
contract with Milan and updated his status to “International Sex Symbol.”
After the scandal and controversy with Ghana, both Muntari and Ess realized there is far more money in the Ghanaian Football
Federation, so they retired, but not before Muntari physically attacked both
Galliani and Berlusconi to the delight of Milan fans everywhere.
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| NASA's signing of the summer |
Given his propensity for stellar trajectories, Robinho answered the call from NASA to
join their secret ball retrieval program. NASA were able to avoid paying off
all of his agents and relatives by simply naming stars after them.
Milan found a clause in Matri’s
contract that stated if any of Milan’s defenders score more goals than him in a
season, they could nullify his contract. Not content with just leaving him out
of contract, they used Robinho’s new connections at NASA to send him on the
first spaceship to the moon.
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| Matri is more likely to score in zero gravity |
IN:
With all of the criticism of Balotelli this summer as well as Balotelli’s newest haircut,
Galliani declared him as a new signing, utilizing Milan’s PR department to
spread rumors that he’s behaving himself and is a model player, takes care of
orphans in his spare time, etc.
After the coup which saw Birsa transferred for 44 year-old
Tongan midfielder Lokoua Taufahema as
well as the exit of Muntari and Ess, Galliani declared the midfield problems
solved and set about acquiring more strikers.
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| What's for dinner? |
Having gotten a taste for Italians in the World Cup, Suarez obviously needed to come to
Italy, so Galliani went to work to intercept the deal to Barca, and used
Berlusconi’s lowlife connections to get Suarez’s ban reduced, too. Italian
vampires everywhere are protesting the move.
After his impressive display in the World Cup, Berlusconi
turned his interest from young girls to young strikers and told Galliani to
“Get me that James kid.” Galliani
was able to convince Monaco that Niang
is better than James Roriguez for a swap, and even got Monaco to kick in a cool
€10m on the deal.
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| Don't know why Galliani didn't sign him then and there. |
Knowing that you can never have too many strikers, Galliani
finally fulfills his longterm dream of bringing Del Piero to Milan. Berlusconi approved of the deal, noting that
he’s still a year younger than the coach, and also that you can never have too
many strikers.
Last but not least, Galliani nearly forgot our deficiencies
in goal. But luckily for us, he was able to sign this guy on a free:
This post inspired by five days of
transfer rumors already more ridiculous than these