It seems that with Milan’s terrible preseason performances,
there wasn’t much to do but to cower in fear ahead of yet another meaningless
friendly. But then something ridiculously magical happened: Milan found
something worse than them. And that spurred them on to a 3-0 victory and a much
improved performance against Chivas Guadalajara.
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| #WorseThanMilan |
So what in the world could possibly be worse than Milan? The
pitch at NRG Stadium in Houston, Texas. I have seen some really, really bad
pitches before, but this one was the worst. So bad, Milan deliberated whether
or not to even play on it, causing the game itself to be delayed.
We were told that it was an artificial turf surface which
had been covered recently in actual grass. (And by recently, it seemed like
maybe they did it at 4:00 pm the same day, with a kickoff of 8pm local time.)
It wasn’t just the completely obvious seams filled with sand which gave it the
look of a green brick wall with sand-colored mortar. The surface was not level
or smooth, and we were told that it was very heavy, that the ball didn’t bounce
well on the surface, either. The strips of sod were in varying shades,
indicating possibly different kinds of grass or grass in various levels of
health. It was absolutely atrocious.
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| Inzaghi must have smelled victory in the air when he stepped off the plane in Houston... ...either that or it was the manure from the sod being laid at the stadium |
Milan, on the other hand, were refreshingly not atrocious for once. Still have miles
to go to reach a Champions League spot this season, but better than the other
friendlies. The sand they kept kicking up from the scandalously horrible pitch
must have worked as some kind of magic pixie dust. Passes were completed…
sometimes. Chances were created and shots taken… often enough to give Milan a
3-0 win. I think I even saw something in there that could be mistaken for
defending a couple of times, too.
The goals were scored by Niang (yes, you read that right, he
scored,) Balotelli (on a sweet free kick that mocked the wall,) and Pazzini on
an assist from Essien (even if he was nicely set up by Honda.) And yes, you
read that correctly, Essien got an assist. Even more astonishing is that Milan
got the clean sheet, despite the presence for about 30 minutes of one Agazzi.
(yes, the pitch was even worse than him.)
So there you have it. If you believe in magic or whatever,
then we should start slicing and dicing that pretty San Siro pitch now and
sprinkling on the sand. Because if the pitch being so poor was truly our
inspiration, we are going to need stadiums full of this kind of luck all season
long.
Thank you, Milan for letting me go to bed without indigestion
after one preseason friendly this summer. Thank you boys for stepping up and
beating a substandard Chivas Guadalajara side. Thank you Niang, Balotelli, and
Pazzini, all of our potential center forwards, for scoring for us. And thank
you to the “groundskeepers” in Houston (who probably no longer have a job) for
showing people worldwide that there actually is something worse than Milan this
season (maybe they can get a job at a golf course making sand traps and other
hazards.)
This post inspired by the music of
Danny Elfman’s “The Nightmare Before Christmas” Soundtrack