Last year, following in the footsteps of RAI Rado 2’s Bidone
d’Oro (golden trashcan) and Striscia la Notizia’s Tapiro d’Oro (golden tapir)
awards, the Golden
Matri™ award was introduced last October as a way to measure complete
and utter human failure in football. Keeping the tradition alive, there is
plenty of failure to celebrate once again. So without further ado, I give to you the recipients of the October 2014 Golden Matris™:
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| Setting the new low standard in epic fails |
Worst interview: Wulfert
Cornelius “Marco” van Ginkel
Please, young Dutch phenom, tell us again how much you are
thinking of Milan as you say that you are grateful Chelsea didn’t include a
buyout clause. Oh, and don’t let that door hit you on the way out. Also wins a
Golden Matri™ for worst name, too.
Worst transfer luck: Jonathan
Biabiany
He had taken the medicals, taken the pic in the Milan
jersey, and then Zaccardo caused the deal to collapse in the final hours of the
mercato. As if that wasn’t bad enough, they found heart problems in the
medicals, and he still can’t even play yet. That is some seriously bad luck.
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| The poor man deserves some good luck and a free chance at Zaccardo with a baseball bat |
Worst defender: Daniele
Bonera
Little girls with jumpropes all over Italy sing Bonera’s
name and then jump for “How many goals will he concede?” They know they’ve got
to get past 30 jumps if they are going to be remotely accurate for this season.
Worst catch phrase:
Adriano Galliani’s “’Three Days of the Condor’ and I always strike”
I don’t know if you can use the word “strike” if you are the
one who brought us Matri in the first place. I think that verb is more likely
to be “bend over.”
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| Whomever made this poster is only feeding his delusions. |
Worst dog website:
Silvio Berlusconi for his “Forza Dudu” site
You’re a billionaire. You still dabble in politics when
you’re not in court or doing the court-mandated community service. Your fiancée
is nearly 1/3 your age. And you spend your spare time as an admin for a website
for your dog?
Worst teambuilding
exercise: Pato and Kaka
While very entertaining for those of us with out egg yolks
in our hair, this would not be my first choice teambuilding activity.
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| Brazilian kids are starving, and they are wasting their eggs |
Worst and most
pathetic begging: Umberto Gandini asking for a Wild Card entry into the
Champions League
I meet panhandlers every day whose demands are more
realistic, probable, and classy than Mr. Gandini’s shameless request to UEFA
last week.
Worst underclothing:
Ibrahimovic
Ibra is Ibratastic. But I’m not sure the sportsbra and
boyshorts combo is his best look. Please put your clothes back on.
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| It's not working for me. |
Worst wages: Mexes
Lowest productivity, highest wages. Sure, makes sense to me,
Galliani.
Worst dressed: Bozo
Vieri
After sleeping with every woman with a pulse in all of Italy
in his earlier years, Vieri has finally found a way to repel the entire female
gender.
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| I didn't realize he had fallen on such tough times |
Worst player who also
happens to have scored… twice: Muntari
He can stop a play dead before it even gets started. And
speaking of dead, opponents feel lucky to leave the pitch alive. He turns the
ball over faster than the speed of light. But with two goals in six games,
he’ll also be a starter whenever he’s not suspended.
Oldest WAG: Mattia De
Sciglio
Some guys just like older women, but this may cross a line.
Good to see that he’s not caught up in looks, though. I think someone may have
read the tortoise and the hare one too many times.
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| She's just wrong for you on so many levels, Mattia |
This post inspired by Elaine’s Trashy
Disco Mix
Our next match is
Milan vs. Verona
Sunday, October 19 • 15:00 CEST (9am EDT)