The Derby della Madonnina is always a heated affair. Even
more so since Calciopoli
in 2006, when Inter’s special brand of participation in the scandal gave them unfair
advantages, including titles that stand even today. Kind of ironic, then that
just ahead of the Derby, Inter would bring back the coach from that same time
period, who clearly also has no qualms about the advantages his team gained or
claiming the titles that Inter “won” under his tenure. So even more so than
with other rivals, this Derby calls for a post profiling a few of the villains
we’ll potentially face in the Nerazzurri on Sunday.
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| Pazzini knows how to stop the suspiciously good Handanovic |
Handanovic: I
believe that Massimo Moratti went to Slovenia and recruited Samir as a child,
performing biological experiments on him in his secret lab until he had created
the perfect goalkeeper. However, Moratti didn’t anticipate what the evil weight
of the Inter crest or the damage a Mazzarri 3-man back line would do to his
creation, so Handanovic has shown lately that he can be beaten. Let’s hope that
even with Mancini’s new back four, Milan’s attack can be his Kryptonite.
Nagatomo: Like
the Bizarro World version of Honda, they share only their country of birth and
their spots on the Japanese national team. Whereas Honda is classy,
well-dressed, and an amazing attacker, Nagatomo is… well the opposite of all
that. Don’t put it above the defender to take out his fellow countryman.
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| Johnny Depp's explosive evil twin? |
Osvaldo: Johnny
Depp’s evil twin is like the epic fail evil football version of the actor. Whereas
the actor is consistently strange and one dimensional onscreen, Osvaldo has moments of
evil brilliance in between nuclear meltdowns and complete fails. If his
explosiveness can be contained, then all anyone will be talking about on Monday
is whatever the hell he wore to the match.
Ranocchia: The
Frog Prince has been about as good for Inter as an actual frog would be on
defense. And now he wears Zanetti’s armband, too, to weigh him down further.
Despite moments where his royal evilness shines through, he should be defeated
easily enough by Milan’s powers for good in attack. Oh, and girls, don’t kiss
him. He’s Inter. He’s not really going to turn into a prince.
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| Maybe his evil powers are in the braid? |
Palacio: I
understand a child wanting to be a Padawan, but at Rodrigo’s age, the braid is
just really sad. Still, he clearly went to the Dark Side and must be feared, as
his powers have grown faster than his bald spot. Thank heavens Bonera won’t be
marking him.
Icardi: Mauro has
never even heard of a moral compass, and wouldn’t use it if he had one. He
clearly never even had a soul to sell, and if he did, he would have stolen
Satan’s wife in the process. But when they say nice guys finish last, it’s
because of scumbags like him. All of the talent and absolutely no soul makes
him a very dangerous foe.
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| Icardi clearly has no fashion compass, either |
Lastly, we could have faced one more villain in Sulley Muntari. Normally, he is the
12th man to our opponent and works against us on the pitch, aka our worst enemy. But he was gracious
enough to get injured and is in doubt for the Derby. However, facing off
against all of this evil, perhaps our very own ex-Inter villain would be just
the antidote we need to triumph over our evil cousins. Let’s just hope that
good triumphs over evil and that this Derby has a happy Hollywood ending.
This post inspired by the music of
Front 242’s “Headhunter”
Our next match is
il Derby della Madonnina
Milan vs. Inter
Sunday, November 23 • 20:45 CET (2:45pm EST)