With the poor performances and results so far in 2015 for
Milan, and no Europe midweek for us either, there is very little actual Milan
to discuss. I mean the Italian media are going insane with rumors of Inzaghi
being sacked and who might replace him, or how Berlusconi has agreed to sell
the club or even a minority share of it. But since none of those are confirmed
by anyone with any credibility, I have decided to ask the question that has
been on everyone’s mind now since the end of the mercato: What is going on with
Paletta’s hair?
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| Yes, that is the face that he makes when he looks in the mirror |
For as long as I can remember watching Paletta play in Serie
A, his hair has been the punchline for every joke told by fans of every club.
It’s sad, because when men start balding, it can be very hard to come to grips
with it, and even harder to choose whether to shave it all off, try some
Rogaine or other hair renewal products, or sew a cat to your head like Conte.
But Paletta has chosen the road less travelled: the denial hairstyle.
You see the men with the hideous comb-overs, they know they
have a problem but are trying to cover it up. But Paletta just walks around
like he was 16 years old, the sun glistening on his flowing locks, and women
giggling at his overwhelming beauty. Only the poor guy doesn’t seem to realize
the giggles are not for beauty, although they are for him.
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| On a recent podcast, @PDAcquaviva compared him to this lovable Harry Potter character |
So since this blog is known for its hard-hitting
journalism, I thought I would share with you some reasons he may be
sporting the denial hair:
Top 10 Reasons For Paletta’s Hair:
10 To provide a
runway for takeoff and landing for the birds at the San Siro
9 To have enough
shiny white scalp showing so when he looks in the mirror, he gets a little
sparkle with his reflection
8 He was too hot
in Argentina, and too cold in Italy, so this hairstyle is the happy medium for
both climates
7 He gets
kickbacks from the camera crews, as his head is like a photography light in the
middle of the pitch
6 To be able to
signal aircraft in an emergency situation, like a mirror
5 To protest the
former “cresta” movement by sporting an inverse mohawk
4 The “Paletta”
is the new mullet: business on the top, party everywhere else
3 He wears his
hair like a mangy dog to raise awareness for rescue animals
2 When he’s not
playing football, he dresses up as a skunk, so the hair helps with the costume
1 His wife is the
biggest liar in the world (“Of course your hair looks perfect, darling”)
Do you have any other ideas as to why on earth the man keeps
sporting the awful hair? Please share them with us in the comment section
below.
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| It's like if the parting of the Red Sea wasn't 100% successful |
In all seriousness, I like the guy, and I think he’s a
pretty decent defender. I am still saving up to go to Milano and shave his hair
all off, as I consider it a good deed… both for him and for all of us who have
to watch him every week. I just can’t figure out why the guy would rather look
like that than just shave it all off. Bald men can be very sexy, and in the
pitch, they often look quite fierce, too. If only I could figure out truly what
is going on with Paletta’s hair.
This post was inspired by the music
of Haircut 100
Our next match is
Fiorentina vs. Milan
Monday, March 16 • 19:00 CET (2pm EDT)*
*note the time difference due to Daylight Savings Time