In case you have been denied the privilege of seeing the
cultural phenomenon that is the Sharknado series of movies, the latest edition,
Sharknado 3 “Oh Hell No!” premiered last night in all of its chainsaw shark
fighting glory. Which made me think of our first derby of the preseason on
Saturday. With a cast of random players, none of whom would be considered star
billing, a mercato that has been highly implausible, and players still dropping
like extras being eaten by falling sharks, this derby should be like the
biggest Sharknado storm China has ever seen. But if Inter think that Milan are
going down without a chainsaw fight, they’d better think again. Milan are like
the legendary Fin Shephard, now the first member of the Order of the Golden
Chainsaw. Inter are waiting for us in China? Oh hell no!
The parallels between the movie and this friendly are
uncanny. Inter have taken this mercato by storm. Not just any storm, a highly
improbable shark-filled tornado. The casualties are numerous, just like when
live sharks fall from the sky and eat the unsuspecting extras and other
expendable characters. Not just the Kondogbia transfer with Milan, but with other
teams and players, too. Inter have inexplicably burst onto the radar and infuriated
a lot of people this summer. But for this “friendly” they are dealing with Milan, on the
pitch, and our chainsaws are waiting for them. Because it’s about family.
The last time we played i
cugini in China, it was for the Supercoppa, and we made snake
soup out of them. Granted, there was a trophy on the line, and we were
fresh off of our Scudetto win, something that seems longer ago than the original
Sharknado movie (well, because it was, actually.) In fact, it was so long ago
that Pazzini and Muntari both played for the dark side at that point, and both
players have come to Milan and also now left, like expendable characters in a
movie about Sharknados. So much has changed, and yet so much has stayed the same.
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| Right city, wrong club. (revs chainsaw) |
Mihajlovic has been handed the Milan chainsaw, and so
appropriate that he will be facing an old frenemy in Mancini. Mihajlovic could probably
smell that shark storm when he stepped off the plane in Shanghai. That’s
probably because he smelled the shark blood from Tuesday’s friendly between
Bayern Munich and Inter where Inter fell 1-0 like a Sharknado to an explosive
device. For that match, Mancini lined up Handanovic; Montoya, Ranocchia,
Murillo, Dimarco; Brozovic, Kovacic, Kondogbia; Hernanes; Palacio, Icardi. A
strong lineup for a friendly, including their mercato storm purchases steals.
It definitely appears like multiple Sharknadoes could merge to make this
“friendly” threaten millions of Milan-loving fans in China. Oh hell no!
To face the sharks falling from the sky that are Inter, it’s
anyone’s guess as to whom Mihajlovic will lineup. Well we know that he will
start a contractually-obligated 4-3-1-2 system. We also know that Agazzi, Albertazzi,
Zaccardo, Verdi, and Mastour will not be there. Like extras in a bloody shark
film, they were left home, with Mastour going to South Africa to play with the
Primavera next week. Also questionable for this match are Menez, due to his
recovery from back surgery, and Bacca and Luiz Adriano, due to their recent
arrival. It’s hard to know if Mihajlovic will continue to field the next
generation of Milan players or if he’ll go with experience when pride is on the line. But with all of the positive changes to the squad, it is
unlikely to see a lineup as unbelievable as Mark Cuban as President of the
United States or Anthony Weiner running the control room at NASA.
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| The eye of the storm and the wielder of the chainsaw. Sorry, Mancini, family is always more important than friends. |
Nothing I could write here could possibly be as horrifically
brilliantly entertaining as what we’ll see on Saturday. Because if the match fails
to impress, don’t worry, Sharknado 3 will be aired again Saturday night. But I
expect to see chainsaws buzzing and sharkmeat flying everywhere. It is the
least we can do, since Milan is the most popular Serie A club in China. Those fans deserve to see a bloodbath in Shenzhen from their Rossoneri heroes, even if
they are probably still learning the names of this team, as we all are. So even
if we have to go into space to make this happen, and explore every single improbable
option to take down this Inter Sharknado, we have to do it. It’s not to become
heroes, it’s for family. Will we let a Kondogbia transfer fail stop us? Oh hell no!
This post inspired by my most improbably favorite
made for TV movie series ever
The ICC Tournament
AC Milan vs. Inter
Saturday, July 25 • 20:00 CST (8:00am EDT)
Shenzhen Universiade Sports Center, Shcnzhen
This match will be shown on FS1 here in the U.S.
This match will be shown on FS1 here in the U.S.