Football does strange things to people. Like possessing
someone to write a blog religiously for over five years. Or creating podcasts
that take an average of twelve hours of work per episode. Or waking up to watch
games at 3:30 am. Or flying halfway around the world to watch a single match.
But enough about me. Football fever is very, very dangerous. And with this Euro
tournament, there is a strain of football fever going around that is particularly
severe. I cannot emphasize enough that you take precautions against it to keep
you and your loved ones safe from this terrible disease.
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| This Albanian contracted Euro Fever so severely, it took over his entire personage |
This year, this particular version of Euro Fever has proven
fatal. And caused lots of injuries, too. Fans clashing in France ahead of
matches, during matches, after matches, and clashing in between the clashes
have resulted in lots of injuries. There are reports that several supporters
are in critical condition, too. One Northern Ireland supporter actually fell to
his death the other day. Whatever it is about this disease that possesses
people, it has gone much too far already. Football is everything, but people
should never die for football.
When Euro Fever is combined with a dose of social media, it
can lead to delusions and even psychotic episodes. For example, after a
qualification that was like rubbing sandpaper continuously over open wounds,
Italy won one game convincingly in spite of Conte. But there are documented
cases all over social media of people claiming he is some kind of genius or god
or worse: a great coach. Clearly, this Euro Fever is quite serious. Based on
his selections and lineups alone, it is clear that he is none of those things.
That is the power of this disease.
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| Reading the signs will keep you safe. Or something. |
There are several things you can do to prevent contracting
this disease. First and foremost, don’t drink blue Kool-Aid. Or any Kool-Aid
for that matter. It is suspected that the delusions and psychotic episodes stem
from a combination of Kool-Aid and watching football. Secondly, obey the signs.
To demonstrate their superior knowledge and power over this deadly disease, the
French government have erected signs saying “No Fighting.” Clearly, that is all
you need to protect you from harm’s way, so do read the signs.
But most importantly, and I think this is true year round,
beware of the accounts you surround yourself with on social media. While even
Giaccherini was probably surprised he scored on Monday, Euro Fever spread
virally after that goal. All it took was one infected account, and it spread
rampantly amongst Azzurri fans. In fact, even Conte and some of the Azzurri
players got it. Conte bloodied his lip celebrating, and Buffon jumped up to
swing from the crossbar and fell flat on his back. The only explanation for
these behaviors is Euro Fever. Just pray it doesn’t get any worse.
So keep your feet on the ground, your fists to yourself,
don’t drink any Kool-Aid, and beware of signs of infection on social media or
elsewhere. Hashtags like #ForzaAzzurri are probably not signs of infection. But
hashtags like #InConteWeTrust are almost definitely infected. With a little
precaution, you can keep yourself safe from Euro Fever and enjoy the Euros with
both your health and your sanity in tact.
This post inspired by the music of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ “Fever to Tell” album