This tournament is anything but friendly. I prefer to call
it “assisted suicide.” Starting with the Bundesliga giants, Bayern Munich.
While they aren’t to be blamed in any way, they will be pulling the plug on
Milan fans’ hopes and dreams tonight. Coming off of four straight league titles
and other assorted shiny objects, if their talent and skills don’t kill you,
their coach probably will. He will seem mildly familiar to most Milan fans, having won a
Scudetto, two Champions League trophies, two UEFA Super Cup trophies, a Coppa
Italia & a Supercoppa, and a Club World Cup with the red and black. Bayern
fans call him Carlo Ancelotti or maybe Mr. Ancelotti, but we know him as
Carletto. Just kill me now.
 |
| Carletto's Eyebrow and his alter ego giving a press conference wearing a strange shirt. (Sorry, Philip Lahm is there, too.) |
We are living in a World where Milan extended the
ever-inconsistent and whiny faux-captain Montolivo, and Matri is still in our
midst. A world where Poli’s sale has been blocked (and someone reportedly
actually asked for him,) and our best striker, two new players, and more will be
watching from Milano at 3am instead of helping us on the pitch. A world where a
man nicknamed after a little airplane is bragging about how much the players
are enjoying themselves in his practices. But also a world where we struggled
to beat the 14th place Ligue 1 side. This same little man talks about a possession-based
game in which our team is supposed to dictate the play, but I have yet to see
them able to maintain possession. In fact, I don’t think I even need any help
with my death, Milan have killed me ten times over lately.
Ancelotti is a good man, a man with heart, who claims to
feel for our suffering, but doesn't feel for our suffering quite enough to come coach this train wreck. So I
would expect him to play the players he needs to see, get playing time, or he’s
contractually obligated to play. Will he go easy on Milan for nostalgia? I’m
not sure I’d respect him if he did, it’s unsporting. Besides, if he really
lines up a tough squad and they pummel us as expected, that actually might be
more helpful. Someone involved in the negotiations of the club might actually
wake up and get something done. Or it will delay them again. Probably the latter. Just kill me.
 |
| These players may have been injured in this intense possession-based store signing. |
Between eating Chicago style pizza and playing basketball
and baseball, the players have been training hard. Oops, I meant between
training hard, the players have been eating Chicago style pizza and playing
basketball and baseball. Well one of those is true. And since they’re having
such a fun time in training, they probably won’t notice the Reaper coming for
them as Bayern score goal after goal, so at least there’s that. I would expect
the same lethargic, possession-optional type of performance as we saw vs.
Bordeaux. Only they’re in America, so it might be even slower on account of the
pizza and stuff. Look forward to the delights of seeing Gabriel in goal, Menez’s
post-surgery "sprints", Paletta’s finally properly groomed hair (or what's left of it,) and some guy called Jherson
Vergara. (I really hope Bayern puts us out of our misery quickly.)
So to recap, we’ll face a world class team of champions,
coached by one of our dearest former coaches, who was offered the Milan bench
but would rather have painful back surgery than step into this nightmare. And
we get to watch the squad that relapsed last year into some form of cancer after
Mihajlovic’ departure, plus the dead weight we had loaned out and a few youth
players play a “new” style of football that didn’t really work against
Bordeaux, so is highly unlikely to be successful tonight. Should be a great time.
For Bayern fans. Just kill me now.
This match inspired by the music of
STP’s “Dead and Bloated”
ICC Tournament
FC Bayern Munich vs. AC Milan
Wednesday, July 27 • 9:00pm EDT
This match will be shown (delayed) on ESPN2 in the U.S.