My
country has been overtaken by a truth-optional regime who have coined the term
for their bold-faced lies as “alternative facts.” After such a hopeful first
half of the season, I am struggling to come to terms with Milan’s current
reality. So for Sunday’s match, I am going to go with this alternative reality
scenario and tell myself some alternative facts.
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| That Muriel is maybe a three. He's a disaster. Such a loser. |
Milan
host Sampdoria on Sunday at 12:30 CET (6:30am EST.) Twelve hours later, there
will be some other game here in the United States that people think is really
super. But it’s not. It’s a disaster. Our game is the best. Our lunchtime game
at the San Siro will be viewed by more people than any game in the history of
the world. Period.
Sampdoria
think they won last week vs. Roma, but they’re WRONG. Dead wrong. They are
losers. They are the biggest losers ever. People say that Sampdoria are 13th on
the table, but they are so wrong. Sampdoria are much, much worse than that. And
that Marco Giampaolo is like a four. (insert mocking hand gestures here.) And
for that disaster against Roma last week, he lined up: Puggioni; Skriniarm,
Silvestre, Regini, Bereszynski, Quagliarella, Torreira, Bruno, Praet, Barreto,
and Muriel. But they’re all losers. At least they won’t be bringing Amuzie,
Sala, and Carbonero to the San Siro. They are injured. They’re weak. And
they’re losers.
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| Donnarumma has the greatest taste in kits ever. He is a winner. |
Milan are
the greatest. Milan are the best. Our stadium is the best stadium in the world
with the most fans ever. Montella is the best coach in the history of football.
Ever. And he is so good, he is leaving at least four patriots behind on the
injury table. These men are heroes. They are the best. Especially that
Montolivo, he is the best captain ever. And also Bonaventura, De Sciglio, and
Antonelli are injured. Calabria is fighting to regain fitness. Because he’s a
winner. And that’s what winners do.
Galliani
is the best. Because we have so many patriot fullbacks who are being left
behind, he is seeking an emergency transfer of a free agent. That free agent is
Martin Caceres, formerly a Juventus player. He is a 10. He is the best. People
say he’s been injured too much or talk about his drunk driving and accidents,
but those things are not important. He is a winner. A 29 year old winner who is
obviously too good for all of the other clubs who thought about signing him
during the transfer window. I hope he passes his medical today and joins the
club. Because Milan deserve only the best. He is the best at getting injured
and the best at drunk driving, and that is why Milan deserve him. He is the
greatest defender of all time. And Galliani is a hero for bringing him to
Milan.
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| An action shot of the greatest defender in the world. |
Last time
we faced Sampdoria, Montella, the greatest coach ever, was so great that he
started with Bacca on the bench. People said that he was trying to teach Bacca
a lesson because he had stormed off the week before, but they are WRONG. Wrong,
wrong, WRONG. Montella is the best. And he is so great that he left Bacca on
the bench and then subbed him on so he could be a hero. And he was a hero. His goal was the only goal,
and Milan won. Because you don’t need a lot of goals to be winners. Milan are
winners, and they only needed one goal. Sampdoria didn’t even know what hit
them.
There is
no way that Sampdoria are going to win this game because they are losers. In
fact, I am going to write an executive order banning all Blucerchiati shirts. Because only losers wear those shirts, and
Milan are winners. Just because Sampdoria had a disaster of a game against Roma
last week where the score was Sampdoria 3, Roma 2, doesn’t make them winners.
Milan are winners. Milan are going to make everyone forget that Sampdoria even
exists. Milan are going to make that Gaga lady cry because she is going to be
at that other game that no one cares about. Because Milan are winners. Milan
are the best. Milan are the greatest team in the history of the universe.
Period.
This post is not meant to offend
anyone or their personal beliefs. It was written as satire of a group of
people. And to be fair, it’s much nicer to write alternative facts than what is
really happening at Milan anyway.
This post inspired
by the music of New Order’s “Power, Corruption & Lies” album
Milan vs. Sampdoria
Sunday, February 5 •
12:30 CET (6:30am EST)
This match will be
shown LIVE on RAI in the U.S.