An
Antichrist leading people astray. War and violence. Natural disasters,
pandemics, plagues. Famine and death. Judgment being exacted on the wicked. The
whole earth shaking. Montolivo scoring a brace. These are the signs of the
Apocalypse. You have been warned.
 |
| Enjoying the moments before death and destruction will hit |
People
online were trying to make sense of how Montolivo scored a brace. Maybe it was
losing the weight of the captain’s armband. Perhaps it had something to do with
the upcoming solar eclipse. Certainly, for a player who has only scored seven
goals total in five seasons at Milan, and hadn’t scored at all in over three
years, the cause was likely an act of a higher power or some sort of
witchcraft. In fact, you have to go back to his days at Fiorentina to find his
last brace, and that was in 2011 vs. Novara. Which actually sheds light on the
most likely cause for his success today: poor opponents. We finally found his
playing level. In fact, I think Shkëndija went back to Tetovo to put in a bid
for this amazing player they saw called Montolivo. I hear they might even be
willing to give him the captain’s armband.
 |
| A very rare photo: The Montolivo goal celebration |
The truth
is, while Milan were convincing enough, you didn’t need VAR to see how poor
Shkëndija played. I’m hoping it was just a bad night, because I don’t want to
watch a team play that poorly again next week on the return leg. Zahov, their keeper,
was especially poor, and completely unprepared to deal with the world class
attacking efforts of players like Montolivo and Borini. I wanted to hug him or
bake him some cookies or something after that match, though. So rough. I had read that Shkëndija
were better than this, and they made it through all three qualifying rounds
victorious. But then again, maybe the Apocalypse drained them of their powers.
I can’t even remember any shots on goal, they had all of the threat of a
sleeping baby kitten wrapped in a blanket.
 |
| Just another day at the office |
The end
of the world scenario took away from the fact that Silva also bagged a brace,
something a number nine hasn’t done for Milan at the San Siro since November
2010 (and that player was Inzaghi.) Silva’s first goal was in the 13th minute, scoring
with only his third touch on the ball. Then his second goal was in the 27th. He
took the cross from Calhanoglu, controlled it, fought off two defenders, and
went in for the kill. Beautiful. But sadly, we expected as much from the young
striker. A shame his joy is eclipsed by the shock of the other brace on the
night.
Speaking
of shock, Montolivo’s first goal was in the 25th, a rebound of a Suso shot (and
not the only one of those on the night.) No one was more shocked than him. But
that apparently gave him the confidence later in the match to twist the knife
and put the sixth and final nail in the coffin for Shkëndija. In the 85th, he
took a pass from Abate (the successful pass also eerily notable,) turned, and
shot the ball to score again. Is it raining frogs? Is that moon red?
 |
| Everyone in this picture looks surprised, but no one more so than the goalscorer himself |
Certainly
the signs of the Apocalypse were heightened when Borini also scored in the
67th. Given the “striker’s” scoring average over the past five years, he has
already met one third of his quota for this year, and Serie A hasn’t even
kicked off yet! Did you feel the earth tremble? Is that an earthquake? And yet
a minute later, Antonelli, playing for the first time in a while and looking shaky
early on, also scored. He tapped in a Suso shot that had slipped through
Zahov’s fingers. Wait, I just heard something. Wait are those four horsemen?
I feel
for Shkëndija fans tonight. To lose 6-0 is so painful, just
ask Inter. But honestly I feel worse for Bonaventura. He pulled up in
the 89th and left the pitch, leaving us on ten men. He was holding his right
hamstring, which is never good. And we just got him back, too. It’s both
devastating and heartbreaking.
 |
| How real men celebrate |
Obviously
the result was fantastic, even if we might have struggled against a docile, non-sleeping kitten opponent. And honestly, I think it’s great that those who
typically don’t score got the opportunity. However, I do fear the Apocalypse.
Let’s just hope the start of the Serie A season this weekend puts an end to
this end of days scenario and we can see some even better football. Watch out,
Crotone. Montolivo and Borini are coming for you.
This post inspired
by the music of U2’s “Until the End of the World”
Our next match is
Serie A Week 1
Crotone vs. Milan
Sunday, August 20 •
20:45 CEST (2:45pm EDT)
-->