You know those cousins that you have to see at every family
gathering? The ones who spend most of their time crying unless life is going
well for them, then they act like divas? Yeah, those guys. So we get to see
them again on Wednesday in the Coppa Italia Quarterfinal. Only they have less
than they would like to have had to brag about, having lost their past two
games in a row. So I guess there will be a bunch of ugly, crying divas at the
San Siro. The perfect dysfunctional family gathering.
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| Crying is what they do best |
Inter have found “new life” with Spalletti this season. If by “new life” you mean starting off strong and then tanking like they usually do. I mean two games is hardly a proper tank, at least not like the one they pulled off at the end of last season, leaving us their Europa League spot and giving them their midweeks mostly free this year. So while we have been traveling to Macedonia and Croatia and now Bulgaria and getting worn out mentally and physically playing lots of extra games, they have been having their nails buffed at the end of their mani-pedis and taking calls from their WAGS while wearing facial masks and cucumbers on their eyes. I mean can you imagine how hideous they would look without all of that high maintenance upkeep?
But if their eyes are puffy, it will be from all of the
crying after their 1-0 loss on Saturday to Sassuolo, in which their “captain”
Icardi had his penalty saved to drop all three points again. I mean it wasn’t
quite as karmalicious as them losing 3-1 to Massimo Oddo’s Udinese the week
before, but still it was entertaining. For the Sassuolo debacle, Spalletti
lined up Handanovic; Miranda, Skriniar, D’Ambrosio, Cancelo, Brozovic, Valero,
Gagliardini, Icardi, Perisic, and Candreva. They will have even more to cry
about in that two of their starting defenders, D’Ambrosio and Miranda, went off
injured in that match, and will be unavailable to face us for this competition
to end all competitions.
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| High maintenance, low standards |
Speaking of the ever popular Coppa Italia, that and a corresponding
Supercoppa are the only trophies Spalletti has ever lifted in Italy. Twice he
won this beloved and cherished title with Roma, following it up with the
one-off Supercoppa. And without Moratti and Facchetti around anymore at Inter
to orchestrate a matchfixing
scandal where they take down an entire league and exonerate themselves from
their own guilt through concealing evidence and having friends in every high
place possible, this could be the only trophy they have any chance of actually
winning.
As would be our luck, Milan are much worse off. While Inter
may have dropped from first to third in the past two weeks, Milan have
plummeted from a paltry seventh to an unforgivable eleventh. It’s something I
like to call “The Gattuso Effect.” He’s certainly not to blame for all of the
failure, rather he was an unwitting pawn to cataclysmic events already
happening. Or in layman’s terms, he’s helping things at the club to go from
bad to worse.
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| Giving all new meaning to the term "destroyer" |
Gattuso will be missing Conti and Jose Mauri still to
injury. Wait, let me rephrase that: he’ll be missing Conti. But actually, Conti
has never played a game under the reign of Gattuso, so it will be more the team
and the fans missing him. We will also likely be missing our mentality, our
dignity (I expect a public reprimand from the club for using that word,) and
possibly our will to live. And with 53 shots in the last two matches with zero
goals to show for it, our chances of winning this match are near impossible. I
mean Gigio is not going to be saving any penalties, because the douchebag Milan
fans are still going to be abusing him for literally not saying or doing
anything, which we’ve already seen is taking its toll on him. So even if it’s a
dysfunctional draw at the end of extra time, those crybabies with the
impeccably manicured nails will probably still take this one.
As with all dysfunctional family gatherings, this one will
be best when it is over. And if we bow out of this competition at this point, I
will not lose any sleep. We can’t even manage one competition right now, let
alone three. But I also want to win more than anything for pride alone. It’s
Inter. It’s like when creepy Uncle Ivan is looking down your mom’s blouse
again, and he gets away with it because Aunt Martha suddenly passes out drunk
as a distraction. Inter winning anything will always be creepy and wrong, but
Milan have got to
get control over our drinking if there is to be any justice. Or any chance
of winning.
This post inspired by the music of The
Killers’ “Uncle Jonny”
Coppa Italia
Quarterfinal
Milan vs. Inter
Wednesday,
December 27 • 20:45 CET (2:45pm EST)
This match will be
shown LIVE on GOL TV in the U.S.