From soul-crushing performances and behavior that should be
beneath even an Inter player, we managed to win this match in spite of
ourselves. The game had everything vile about football: red cards, a player
refusing to sub on and possibly cursing out their coach, and another probable season-ending
injury that left another player leaving the San Siro on crutches. Did I mention
we actually won? Yeah, that kind of got lost in all of the other stuff. Three
very needed points that could not wash away the bitter taste in our mouths.
Otherwise known as despicable Milan.
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| Winning in spite of themselves |
This game would have been so much more entertaining if it
had been played by minions. Like in the second minute, when Svenberg and Biglia
clashed heads, two minions would have made it hilarious instead of frightening.
Or like how Kessie was taken down in the box not just once but twice with no
call, Gru would have somehow made you forgive him, whereas Di Bello was not so
endearing. Gigio was far more amazing than a minion, though. He is exceeding
expectations and preventing heart attacks everywhere.
The most despicable moment came after Biglia was injured in
the 23rd minute. He received treatment and attempted to come back onto the
pitch, but three minutes later was unable to continue. It looked as though
Gattuso asked Bakayoko to replace him, but then changed his mind and put Mauri
on instead. First of all, any coach that goes from Bakayoko to Mauri is either
legally insane or has a damn good reason for changing his mind.
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| The fans were the real heroes |
Consider why Bakayoko was on the bench in the first place. After
parading Acerbi’s shirt like a trophy when we defeated Lazio in the league (for
which he was fined €33,000,) he turned up over an hour late for training this
week, claiming to have run out of gas. He was fined €90,000, but also sent
Gattuso over the edge, who made everyone go into ritiro for five days. Nothing
minion-like about that behavior, it was neither hilarious nor adorable. What
the cameras showed was that he apparently refused to come on when asked, and
furthermore, gave Gattuso some explicit instructions.
Gattuso later said that he had told coaches to do that many
times before, and it wasn’t so much that Bakayoko refused to come on, but that
he hadn’t put his shin guards on in the time he gave him, so he chose Mauri
instead. Bakayoko issued a statement on Twitter saying he never refused to come
on, but did not address the cursing at his coach. Whatever was said, Cutrone, who
was sitting in front of Bakayoko, had a shocked expression on his face and his
eyes got very big. Whomever you believe, it was despicable, and not at all
Milan.
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| Ending a goal drought in style |
It turned out that bringing Mauri on wasn’t a catastrophic
mistake, as he assisted Suso’s goal in the 37th minute. 1-0 Milan. And yes, you
read that correctly, Suso scored. A goal. One of those things that helps you
win games. Not a joke, like a minion might make, a proper goal. I assume the
haters are turning their hate to someone else. May I guess it will be Bakayoko?
In something that would only be believable in a minion
movie, Borini came on as a sub and scored the winner on a rebound from a
Paqueta shot. 2-0 Milan. However, what he didn’t count on was that Destro also
subbed on for Bologna. Borini and Destro are both the same age, and at one
point, they were both promising young Italian strikers coming into their own at the
same time. They also both played for Milan, and both became sad, benchwarming
has-beens of Italian football around the same time. So what Borini did, Destro
also felt compelled to do, and Destro scored a goal for Bologna just five
minutes after Borini surprised even himself by actually being on target. This
made it a 2-1 match, and from there, it was all downhill for Milan.
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| Borini gained some weight since his last goal |
Only two minutes later, Paqueta received a yellow for either
a foul or dissent, I’m not even sure. But the dissent continued, and his
teammates couldn’t keep him away from Di Bello, and in the heat of the moment,
he hit the ref’s hand. Straight red for our young Brazilian talent, Milan were
on ten men. This was also not minion play, it was just despicable.
How Milan held out for the final 15 (20) minutes without
conceding is only explainable by watching the giant player dressed like a
minion in goal: Gigio Donnarumma. Were it not for him, this despicable lot
would have certainly given up the 2-0 lead that they were lucky to have in the
first place. Frustrated by this giant minion’s heroics, and perhaps thinking
that getting a red card was fashionable, Sansone received a second yellow and
thus red in the final minute of stoppage time. Not content with both teams
ending on ten men, Dijks said or did something despicable after the final
whistle to be shown a red card as well. Their own Gru, formerly our Gru,
Mihajlovic, knew that they perhaps deserved at least a point. But even he
disapproved of the red cards, they were all senseless and avoidable.
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| Saved by the giant minion |
It’s weird to even say “Milan won,” because this felt more
like those Christmas shoppers on Black Friday who will do unspeakable things to
get the perfect gift, they truly miss the message of the season. Milan have
missed the message of our season, which was to achieve something greater than
the past seven or eight seasons. And having come so close to doing just that,
they seem to need to undermine their own accomplishment. Again, watching actual
minions would be so much more entertaining. Instead, we have to watch players
who are wearing Milan colors, but playing like idiot villains in a cheap knock
off of a minion movie. Just another painful match with despicable Milan.
This post inspired by the music of Pharrell
Williams’ “Despicable Me”
Our next match is
Serie A Week 36
Fiorentina vs. Milan
Saturday, May 11 •
20:30 CEST (2:30pm EDT)
Stay tuned for an all new Milan Obsession Podcast