Milan’s team is so much better than their kits this year. In fact, the kits have gotten worse at an equivalent amount that the team has gotten better. And the team has improved so very much. The away kit in particular is so very bad that I almost opted to break eight years of tradition and not even write about it at all. But then I realized that, like human rights issues or endangered species, this was an issue that I could not keep silent about. So, armed with my fashion design degree and expertise, here is my advocacy against the travesties that are our away and third kits for this upcoming season. You’re welcome.
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| Don't harm people or animals, and don't wear these kits |
The away kit is one of the worst Milan kits of the last ten years, and if you take the 2015-16 wannabe surfer shorts out of the running, then this one is definitely the worst. Puma claims to have sought inspiration from architecture and fashion in Milano for this year’s kits, but inspiration should mean the finished product pays respect to the original, not insult its very existence. Take the “pattern” on the front of the away kit, for example. They claim to have been inspired by MUDEC, the museum of culture in Milano:
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| Inspiration |
This is how that turned out:
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| What happened here? |
Which really seems closer to this:
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| Result |
The pattern is less reminiscent of the architecture and more reminiscent of someone who got sunburned under a metal grate. Or worse.
They used the same ungodly number of bizarre choices of design elements in the construction as they did in the first kit that make me question whether Fassone and Mirabelli designed them, or perhaps just a visually impaired individual. Which is kind, seeing as how the first two are unemployed, and the latter should be offered the opportunity to work… maybe just not in a visual art. But our boys have to wear this, so let's leave the charity to Fondazione Milan.
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| "You're kidding, right? We're really supposed to wear this? |
The ridiculous extended yoke and the red rib collar that meets a single needle stitched (read cheap, fragile construction) v-neck are absurd design elements that add nothing to the garment, but actually take away from the form, fit, and function instead.
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| Expensive construction, poor taste |
Don’t get me started on the vents. They are not pictured in many of the release photos, but the latest photos with players feature the absurd and pointless “vents” in red on the front shoulders, and possibly at the center back below the neck. We’re in the middle of the pandemic and wearing masks on our faces, but our shoulders need to breathe? Plus, they look so dumb.
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| Why. |
The kit is paired with the same poorly cut white shorts as the first kit, including the iron-on/transfer crest instead of the stitched on.
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| Like something out of a horror film |
Also, the white bleeding mummy socks are repeated with this kit. At least the bleeding part makes sense, as this kit will make your eyes bleed and your soul die an early death.
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| Mocking the very concept of fashion |
In light of the bizarrely designed first kit and the away kit that can never be unseen, the third kit is surprisingly refreshing. In that blues and greens are proven to be calming and refreshing. The color is called deep lagoon, which is where I wish the other two kits could be permanently located. The color has been very controversial, but it’s quite a lovely shade, and honestly, after the other two abominations, who is still complaining about this color?
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| Least likely to cause brain hemorrhages |
The gradient houndstooth print is meant to be an homage to the fashion of Milano. First of all, houndstooth is not in fashion now, nor has it been recently. Second of all, it is not “fashion,” it is a classic print that comes in and out of style. If you are seeking inspiration, maybe actually go to the source, like Fashion Week. It’s like saying this paper bag is like that majestic tree. NO. You killed the tree to get the paper bag. And Puma have killed fashion to make this kit.
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| So much fashion died here |
This kit is still arguably the best of the three, although that is an incredibly low bar. The navy rib of the collar and sleeves and the print pairs very well with the deep lagoon color. They couldn’t leave well enough alone, however. The collar was brought down to meet in a V, but they had to stitch across the bottom of the V, which just makes it fit funny, and doesn’t add anything to the design. Also, vents. Why. Just why.
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| Unnecessary evil |
There is a panel on the bottom of the sleeve which interrupts the rib, another pointless and almost invisible design element that adds nothing but cost to the construction of the garment, which seems to be the actual theme of this year’s kits, not fashion and architecture.
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| The panel is like the anti-pocket |
The shorts are deep lagoon, and have the same mind-boggling side panel. At least they put the stitched crests on both the kit and the shorts, and the subtle pattern of the socks compliments the kit better than those other bloody ones.
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| Finally, two design elements that work together |
More pathetic than these kits is the fact that Puma obviously knows how bad they are, so they have given some away to ex-Milan players and had them post pics to social media in a shameless and soulless attempt to sell their trash to fans who work hard for their money. Most will spend $100 when they see their legends selling out, and that is almost as shameful as what Puma is passing off as "design." Almost.
As much as I am really looking forward to watching our team play this season, I am absolutely dreading seeing them parade around in these fashion crimes. The red home prematch kits with the Duomo floor pattern are fantastic. The Star Trek the Next Generation inspired training kits are amazing. I guess if the team have to have one handicap when they take the pitch competitively, then wearing horrific kits is the least impactful to the actual football. Maybe they will teach Puma what actual success looks like.
This post inspired by the music of NIN’s “Hurt”
Our next match is a
Europa League Qualifying match
Shamrock Rovers vs. AC Milan
Thursday, September 17 • 20:00 CEST (2pm EDT)