Mercato Madness

I have never made a secret of my dislike of the transfer market, mainly because of all of the rumors that abound and how much energy is wasted by the fans and media discussing meaningless things as well as  the time the clubs have to waste trying to dispel the myths. I have seen people read statements from clubs vehemently denying transfer rumors and then turn around and spread more rumors in the same breath. I mean is this football or a teenage girls slumber party? Because I’ve been to a few of the latter, and there is more truth in them. But if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, so they say.

So, with the transfer market officially open already, I decided to join in the melee. I wanted to come up with my own ridiculous rumors, to see if I can fabricate rumors better than the typical football tabloid. Who knows? Maybe if I do a good enough job, some of these rumors will actually make it into one of the football tabloids?

Warning: None of these rumors have any foundation whatsoever in truth. Read at your own risk:

Pato and Inzaghi to Real Madrid for €60 million. Mourinho has always been a fan of the 38 year old striker, but is also keen to sign the 22 year-old Brazilian to provide some youth to his side, too. It is speculated that by taking both wantaway strikers off of Milan’s hands for such a large sum, the Spanish club are in the lead for a deal with Milan for the young Brazilian’s contract.

Amauri to Milan on a free transfer. Although the Brazilian-Italian striker has 6 months left on his contract at Juventus, he has been frozen out of the squad and forced to train away from the team. Both parties are anxious to part ways, so Juventus is offering to break Amauri’s contract and offer him to Milan for free. It is also said the striker is willing to lower his exorbitant salary from €4.2 million down to €2 million, even if Milan fans are willing to pay to keep him from coming to the club. Should negotiations stall, Juventus are also willing to sign Borriello’s 6 month loan deal over to Milan to sweeten the deal.

Balzaretti to Milan for Taiwo + €6 million. With Balzaretti being linked to PSG but with talks not progressing, Zamparini believes his chances are much better at selling the younger Taiwo to PSG, who has actually played in Ligue 1 before. Also, he is looking to pull a Garrone, and needs to dump the effective Balzaretti if he is to achieve his goal. Meanwhile, Milan, being in need of a consistent left back would gladly take Balzaretti off of rival Palermo’s hands to reinforce their defense for the spring Champions League run.

Lionel Messi to Milan for Daniele Bonera and Luca Antonini. After being impressed with Milan’s defensive efforts against them in the Champions League, Pep Guardiola, who was not wearing his contact lenses at either game, has identified both Milan defenders as transfer targets, and is willing to part with superstar Lionel Messi to have them. Rumors are that Galliani is on an airplane right now to Barcelona.

Mats Hummels to Milan for €15 million. The Borussia Dortmund center back is in high demand, but it is rumored that he would like to move to Italy. With Nesta continuing to pick up injuries and back up Yepes out for another 2 months following surgery, Milan want to invest in their future. Unlike other recent signings that Galliani has managed, it is perceived that he is willing to spend near market value to reinforce this important position for the future. It is also thought that van Bommel would welcome his former Bayern teammate to Milan and form a good relationship with him on the pitch.

Neymar to Milan for Thiago Silva. Despite the Brazilian center back insisting that he wants to be a lifelong Milan player, this swap has been otherwise kept under wraps as so many other teams want to sign Neymar. Berlusconi has insisted that we do not have enough young Brazilian talent at the front, so Allegri is forced to sacrifice his star defender to appease the President. Rumors are that Allegri will consider changing to a very unconventional 3-2-5 formation to be able to give ample playing time to all of his strikers.

Okay, now I feel dirty. But honestly, are these any more ridiculous than the other rumors already circulating? Or any more ridiculous than our past couple of mercati have been under Galliani? Just wake me up when the transfer market closes, and then I’ll see what actually happens.

Please tell us your favorite rumor(s), whether from this post, your imagination/wildest dreams, or something you’ve actually heard from the transfer rumor mill. If it is a "real" rumor, please tell us where you heard it.

AC Milan are currently training in Dubai!

Next match is the Dubai Challenge Cup exhibition game vs. PSG on

Wednesday January 4, 2012 7:30pm AST or 11:30am EST

This match is not being broadcast on TV in the US,

but will be shown by Mediaset so check for streams.

This post inspired by the music of Elaine’s Classic Punk Mix, including The Vandals, The Sex Pistols, Suicidal Tendencies, Toy Dolls, X, The Dead Kennedys, etc.