The Milan Curse

It is well known that Milan have been experiencing increasingly devastating quantities of injuries for a number of years now. This past season’s injuries were more apocalyptic in quantity, duration, and scope, and it is widely acknowledged that this single factor changed their fate in Serie A and in the Champions League. This injury problem has extended well beyond a crisis, and today, I officially dub it “The Milan Curse.”

The Milan team bus arriving in Napoli earlier this season

The Milan Curse finally affected Milan’s management enough to put them into action. For example, they finally recognized the part that the treacherous San Siro pitch has played in so many of our injuries. In fact, data collected showed that 60% of our muscular injuries occurred there, so, along with the help and cooperation of our Curva Nord cousins, a new semi-synthetic pitch will be installed starting in a couple of weeks and being completed by July 25th. As someone on Twitter noted, that will be just in time for Inter’s first Europa League qualifications.

But management did look carefully into the medical staff and training staff to see if they were to blame in any part. Ibra had fought several times with head trainer Tognaccini, saying that his training regimes were too much and were partially to blame for the injury Armageddon. But after Galliani, Allegri, and Dr. Tavana, head doctor for Milan, looked at all of the data for every single injury this year, only minimal changes were made in the training staff. For one, Folletti, who had worked with Allegri at Cagliari, was promoted to be co-head trainer with Tognaccini. And Tillson, an American physiotherapist, was brought in as a trainer.

Thiago Motta shows the "no fault" sign so as not to be blamed for Pato's next injury

For us fans who have suffered through every bruise and muscle injury and knee surgery along with our favorite players, we would probably not rest until every medical staff member and trainer were strung up by a particular part of their anatomy and sentenced to a slow and painful death that mimicked the length of many of our players’ injuries… say about 6 months or so? But realistically, we wouldn’t know what else to do if the curse continued, so it’s probably prudent to change the pitch, make the minimal changes in training/medical staff this year, then re-evaluate if the curse continues.

A medieval torture device we'd like to use on medical & training staff at Milanello

But I think if we are going to take this “realistic” approach, there are other things we can do to fight the curse that can bring results without impacting the data. Maybe they are “unconventional," but at least hear me out. I present to you Elaine’s 5 Point Plan to Break the Milan Curse:

1)  Put a clause in all new contracts something along the lines of this:

“I agree to be injured or appear to be injured for up to 6 months of the season. Not only will this provide me personally with an excuse if I am playing poorly, but it will also allow the club an easy out should we as a club underperform. I will not sue or hold the club harmful for any and all real injuries sustained in training or in matches or while I am still breathing and under contract.”

2)   Players with more than 2 moderate or 3 minor injuries will be forced to wear protective gear in training and in matches, including but not limited to the Chivu Special™ helmet, elbow and/or knee braces with protective armor, and or back or other braces. In extreme cases, infinite amounts of bubble wrap may also be applied to ensure the safety of the player.

No precaution is too extreme for our players

3)  If a player sustains an injury that is caused by relations with a spouse or significant other, that player will be forced to stay at Milanello during the season, only allowed to see said significant others on International breaks or other holidays, which right may also be revoked if there are repeat injuries.

4)  Players who have normal amounts of injuries for the entire season will receive a “healthy bonus” as well as perks such as first choice of seating on busses, trains, and planes, extra desserts at meals, and preferred parking at Milanello.

Galliani approved superstition charms

5)  All players will burn all of their remaining black third kits and anything else proven to be unlucky. Additionally, they will wear on their personage one or more good luck charms during training and matches. Examples of good luck charms include but are not limited to: lucky rabbit’s feet, i cornicelli (little horns), salt shakers, lucky coins or stones, rosaries and crucifixes, etc. Players are responsible for finding a secure location for them on their bodies which will not cause any further injuries.

I have no doubts that together with the club’s cautious efforts and a strict adherence to this amazing 5 point plan, we can break the Milan Curse and have a healthy squad next year.

This post inspired by the music of the Toy Dolls