Perfect Pitch

It’s no secret that the old San Siro pitch was a death trap. With more injuries sustained there than a lifetime with Melissa Satta, this summer’s renovation was long overdue. But how did they take such a giant hazard and turn it into the perfect pitch? Rather than post the videos or graphics or photos of what really happened, I prefer to let my imagination tell you the story…

The beautiful new pitch may have taken more work than meets the eye

Clearing the Water Hazards

It is well known that Barcelona like their pitches wet, it’s much easier to dive that way. So first and foremost, workers at the San Siro had to locate and clear the water hazards. Several Barcelona players were discovered during this process, but eventually, the pitch was leveled and drained. (It is widely known that Pep Guardiola’s decision to take a break from coaching was based on UEFA’s response to his complaints about the San Siro pitch, coupled with the news that the pitch was going to be redone.)

Busquets was amongst those found thriving in the San Siro water hazards

Gopher Holes

Those nasty burrowing animals had nothing on the creatures they unearthed when they began to tear up the original San Siro turf. It seems that one of them took his club’s motto of “30 sul campo” to heart and personally dug 30 holes in the San Siro. When workers investigated, they found pictures of Pato with targets over his face in the critter’s burrows. And finally, one of the workers caught the nasty critter himself:

The hideous burrowing ground dweller, Giuseppe "Marmotta" Marotta 

Wolf Dens

Some of the larger holes were found to be home to entire packs of wolves. One she wolf was even found suckling a couple of Roma youth players. Given not only the sheer size of these holes, but the ravenous creatures looking for their next meal, it’s no wonder our injury list was so long the past couple of years.

The bones tell it all, wolf dens are no place for football

Crazy Donuts

It was discovered that much of the torn up pitch was due to damage caused by one club. In fact, it wasn’t the club, it was the crazy owner. You see, with all of the strange happenings in Serie A, De Laurentiis has developed a bit of a scooter fetish. In an effort to undermine a competing club, he had taken to sneaking in with a borrowed scooter and doing donuts on the San Siro pitch, an extension of his tirade and exit from the Lega Serie A meeting last summer…

Filthy snakes

The biggest challenge, particularly with our professional snake hunter, Thiago Silva, gone, was to get rid of all of the filthy snakes. The infestation has lasted 65 years, but finally, within about 5 years, there is a plan to rid the San Siro of them forever. For now, though, they were able to flush them all out and keep them busy by offering them hilarious transfer targets, the most recent being Marco Borriello. Buon Appetito, Serpenti.

Our snake removal service was sold

As you can see, it was a monumental effort to restore the pitch to a safe playing surface. But thanks to valiant efforts of both the turf and pest control experts alike, tomorrow our boys will take to the new surface for the first time. And Sunday, the Berlusconi Trophy will be awarded to the team least likely to take the Scudetto this year, which we can only hope is Juventus.

This post was inspired by the music of Pink Floyd

Our next match is the Trofeo Berlusconi

Milan vs. Juventus

Sunday, August 19 • 20:45 CEST (2:45pm EDT)

Stadio San Siro, Milano