Is There a Method to His Madness?

Despite intense criticism from everyone from fans all the way up to Berlusconi and Galliani, Allegri has done things his way, with a stubbornness that would make Napoleon blush. We have talked about the lack of any consistency in his lineups, and then there was all of the yelling at the team at halftime on Sunday, and accusing the players of conspiring against him. All of this has led to some pretty legitimate questions as to the state of his mental health, with many calling him “Mad Max.” But I started to think… what if there is actually a method to his madness? Is there a single technique he uses to generate his random lineups? So with some help from Sposato al Nemico ("Married to the Enemy"), who has some frighteningly plausible insights into the mind of a madman, we came up with five theories as to how Allegri picks his lineups

Russian Roulette

The old spin the chamber of the gun and pull the trigger to see if it’s your lucky day game could be one way that he chooses lineups. Whomever survives the game makes the squad. Perhaps it seems a little extreme, but it could definitely explain some of the comments and behaviors of some of the players. It also may explain some of the mystery injuries.

Tarot Cards

Just because they originated in Italy, doesn’t mean this is how Allegri is picking his starting eleven. And unless he picks his starting lineup and then gets the “Draw” or “Loss” cards, but still uses those lineups, then it doesn’t really make sense. But then again, maybe he is just as bad at reading Tarot cards as he is at giving press conferences.

Allegri keeps confusing this one with the "Captain" card

Getting his Masters Degree

One interesting theory is that he is getting his Masters Degree and his thesis deals with chaos theory. For example, maybe he needed a controlled situation to observe the butterfly effect, and so he is using his lineups to make changes every match and show the effects that small changes like that will have long-term on a club, it’s fans, European football, and ultimately the world. If this is true, I think he has done quite well with this.

Gerbil Races

Another idea is that he runs gerbil maze races. Each gerbil would wear the jersey of one of the players, and then race. The corresponding players of the fastest eleven to solve the maze are the ones who get to start. Now if only the smartest and fastest gerbils were assigned to our best eleven players. And why does the number ten gerbil always earn the trequartista spot?

Luckily for us, El Shaarawy's gerbil is usually one of the fastest

Evil Plot

A very likely scenario is that some supervillain has placed a bomb beneath the city of Milano, and has told Allegri that if he uses the same lineup twice, he will detonate the bomb. Not only is this likely for the involvement of a supervillain, but it definitely explains why Allegri has been aging so quickly and is showing so many signs of stress. It also solves the question of whether he is screaming “Dai! Dai! Dai!” or “Die! Die! Die.” Certainly, he is trying to warn the citizens of Milano.

Okay, now that you know the five most likely causes for Allegri’s irrational lineups, please take the poll and vote for the theory that you believe is most likely. Maybe if we all guess correctly, we can notify someone in power and stage an intervention.

This post inspired by Alka Seltzer Plus Cold Medicine

Our next match is

Napoli vs. Milan

Saturday, November 17 • 20:45 CET (2:45pm ET)