Milan 5, Chievo 1: Goalfest 2012

Oprah’s influence was strong again this match. But rather than yellow cards, this time her disciples got goals instead…. “You get a goal! And you get a goal! Eve-ry-body gets a goal!!!” It was a great day to be a Milan fan, I wish it could always be like this, it’s much more fun than losing or even drawing. Although it wasn’t such a great day to be Dramé, I am hoping for nothing serious and a speedy and complete recovery from his head injury. So other than that and those absolutely hideous Chievo kits, the Goalfest 2012 was a very pleasant surprise.

Everybody gets a goal!

The green and yellow flying donkeys came out kicking, which earned Dramé his yellow card in the 5th minute for a foul on Constant. In the 11th, Urby, Montolivo, and Pazzini lined up to take a free kick. One of these things is not like the other, and so it was Pazzini who took the kick, which was blocked. But then, suddenly, in the 16th, Urby scored!! 1-0 Milan. Unfortunately, just as suddenly, Chievo returned the favor with a Pelissier goal, not 2 minutes later. 1-1. Conceding this goal showed two things: El Shaarawy is still in contention to be our best defender, and Zapata is not.

In the 26th, Abate sent in a nice cross, but Urby, who was offside anyway, didn’t quote manage to get to it. Then, after a free kick cleverly passed back to a wide open Mexes, he kicked the ball like he was copying my golf swing (whiff!) In the 31st, Hatemaj fired a very dangerous looking bullet, but luckily for us, his accuracy was just off. In the 35th, Thereau took a dangerous shot across the goal, but Abbiati reminded us of how much we missed him with a great save.

It must have been the new boots.

In the 36th minute, I watched a thing of sheer beauty: Milan on the fast break passed it beautifully building up to Montolivo’s second Milan goal, assisted by Urby. 2-1 Milan. And four minutes later, Thereau giving us a heart attack at the other end, but Abbiati was there again. And one minute after that, Bojan netted his first goal in the Rossoneri. 3-1 Milan. El Shaarawy showing the sweet moves in the 43rd. That was contrasted by our faithful captain’s Sky Jousting™ in the 44th. Hmmm.

The first notable thing of the  second half was a yellow card for Guana. And then back to Ambrosini’s Sky Jousting™ attempts. But the scariest part of the match happened in the 57th, when Abate kicked a ball almost point blank that hit Dramé in the side of the head. Someone noted that it looked as though he was unconscious before he even hit the ground. And the match was delayed for some time as they tried repeatedly to revive him. It was reported that he was only unconscious for 40 seconds and had come around and was going to the hospital for precautionary testing. But he seemed unconscious for much longer than that, and seemed only semi-conscious at best when he was finally stretchered off of the pitch with a neck brace on. I truly hope it is nothing and that he is completely healthy and functioning right away. And Abate… the boy doesn’t know his own strength!!

Today our little Boy Band became a real footballer

After Chievo subbed Stojan on for the injured Dramé, I noticed that Zapata had a really nice tackle in the 64th as the last defender. I guess I’ll keep him. And in the 65th, Pazzini gave Ambrosini a spectacular run for his money in the Sky Jousting™. I wonder what Robinho will have to say about that. Allegri pulled Urby off in the 68th for Boateng. He’d better be resting him for Málaga, Urby had another spectacular game. Don’t get me started about the Prince.

It seemed as if both El Shaarawy and Pazzini were going to go home empty-handed, but Oprah isn’t like that. In the 75th, El Shaarawy solidified his spot at the top of the Serie A scoring chart with his 8th Serie A goal this season on a sweet assist by Urby. 4-1 Milan. Allegri, with his reward for spectacular performances on the day, pulled Montolivo off for De Jong. At least De Jong is a good player. Unlike Boateng, who entered the Sky Jousting™ competition with quantity of horrifyingly bad shots, not quality.

Boy Pharaoh? Try King of Serie A.

In the 86th, Constant, showing some very fancy footwork, sent a ball through one defender’s legs and and then shot around another, only to have his beautiful moves blocked. But he played one hell of a game at left back. And to those of you who thought we were stuck with Antonini or playing De Sciglio out of position were our only options at that position, think again. Another game or two like this, and I think we’ve finally solved the game of left back roulette™.

Speaking of De Sciglio, he came on for Abate in the 86th. Yes, Allegri used his third sub, and it was even before the 90th minute. Oh, and if you thought the game was over, think again. In the third minute of stoppage time, Pazzini finally got his goal, with an assist by the capocannoniere, El Shaarawy. 5-1 Milan.

Pazzini ends his dryspell in stoppage time

That’s right, 5-1 Milan. With five different scorers. Maybe that ritiro paid off after all. Or maybe all of Allegri’s gambling with players and formations finally paid off. Or maybe Chievo were that bad. With those uniforms, who could blame them? I really don’t care why, only that we are going into our most treacherous stretch of the season, so we really needed this confidence boost.

I can’t even pick a man of the match, there were so many great performances. El Shaarawy… there are simply no words. He is as magnificent as his hair is horrifying. Bojan proved today that he does indeed share some common genes with Lionel Messi, and I’ll be damned if Allegri has the stupidity to ever put Boateng in at trequartista ever again when we have Bojan to fill that role. In fact, Boateng’s shooting card needs to be pulled entirely. But that’s beside the point. Urby was mesmerizing, and Montolivo, especially in conjunction with these other great displays, was simply phenomenal.

Allegri is not happy that his plans to completely undermine Milan were thwarted

I don’t usually care for goalfests, but each one of these goals washed away some of the pain of recent matches and planted the seeds of hope of avoiding relegation after all. We need to be careful not to get too excited lest our hopes be dashed once again by Allegri’s tomfoolery, but for today, a blessed victory. Three points, a glimmer of hope, and a whole lotta goals. Thank you, Goalfest 2012.

This post inspired by the music of the Foo Fighters

Our next match is

Champions League Group Stage

Milan vs. Málaga

Tuesday, November 6th • 20:45 CET (2:45)