Smack Talk Week™

What started out as an amazingly peaceful rivalry in our family has become something more blood, less sport. For a few times a year, when Milan face off against Juventus, ours is a couch divided. And for the week before each fixture, it can get a little ugly around here. Especially with an ongoing score of Milan 3 (me + the two kids) and Juventus 1 (“Sposato al Nemico,” or “married to the enemy.”) It doesn’t help his cause that he is actually more “Calma Calma Calma” and I am more “Dai Dai Dai.” In our house, Milan always wins. But as tensions between the two clubs rose last year, so did the stakes. And what used to be a bit of sporting ribbing has become the bloodthirsty Smack Talk Week ™.

This picture never gets old

After “downsizing” over the summer and a rough start to our season, it’s no wonder that our win in November felt like such vindication. And with all of their fans’ chants against Balotelli before he’s even faced them on the pitch, it’s hard to look to Sunday without a bad taste in my mouth. But I fear my kids may be taking things too far. How do I teach them to respect their father, respect the team he supports on a sporting level, but allow them to gleefully participate in Smack Talk Week ™? Is that too much to ask?

For devoted Milan children everywhere

So I thought I would turn to all of you for help. Pay attention, there are very strict rules. Give me your best Smack Talk Week™ ideas for children. That means:

• No profanity

• No Calciopoli or 28/30 Scudetti jokes (they are too young to understand Sporting Injustice)

• No directly-disrespectful-to-their-father jokes (insult the club, not the man – I still need them to respect him the other 364 days/year!)

• Try to keep it sporting (no character insults of players, etc. i.e.: Conte’s hair is fair game, Conte’s dismissed matchfixing accusations are not okay.)

• Think innocent schoolyard banter, not internet troll speak

Provided those guidelines are followed, I will try to share all of your ideas with them and let you know their reactions/his reaction. And you can save all of the other Smack Talk ones for the preview post coming up tomorrow.

Kids are the best fans

A few examples to get you started:

“Yo momma so old, she turned into a Juventino.”

“Why is Juventus called the Old Lady? Have you ever seen them play?” (credit to Massimo for that one)

“Your jersey looks like a prison uniform” (credit to Sofia for that one)

“Zebra. It’s what’s for dinner.”

“It’s all fun and games until a Juventino shows up. Then it gets ugly.” (credit to Massimo for that one)

“Why does no one say ‘When I grow up, I want to be a Juventino?’ Because Juventini never grow up.”

“Why did Pirlo grow his beard when he went to Juventus? Because he was ashamed and didn’t want anyone to recognize him.”

“Eleven Juventini jumping on the bed. This one scored, Storari broke his head. Momma called the doctor and the doctor said ‘Sorry, I’m a Milanista.’” (sung to the tune of “Five Little Monkeys”)

“Juventini act like girls” (credit to Sofia for that one)

A little child watching a Juve match notices Conte screaming and gesticulating on the sidelines. “Mommy, why does he do that?” “Because if he doesn’t he’ll go bald again.”

You can follow all of the less childlike Smack Talk Week™ action on Twitter by following both @milanobsession and @sposatoalnemico. Thanks in advance for your help, this Milanista mom really appreciates it!

This post inspired by the music of “Jingle Bells, Juve Smells”

Our next match is

Juventus vs. Milan

Sunday, April 21 • 20:45 CEST (2:45pm EDT)