Milan Fashion Week, New Kit Release 2013-14 Edition

The new kit release yesterday marks the end of Milan Fashion Week here on the blog, and not a day too soon. This style over substance business has really run its course. I mean, just because our team is located in the fashion capital of Italy doesn’t mean this blog has to be the fashion capital of football blogs. (Or does it?) Either way, as a fashion designer and a woman, I am contractually obligated to present to you the new kits of 2013-14…

Milan jersey hierarchy: The Unsellables™ get the good ones, the others the ugly away kit,
and the players too young too complain get the hideous and degrading Disco Kits™

Where to even begin? In keeping with recent traditions of having only one wearable kit, at least this year Milan have chosen the home kit as the decent one. The biggest improvement from last season is the loss of the Collar of Doom™. Instead, this kit has a very humane and aesthetically pleasing v-neck, even if the tricolore details do try to derail it. The stripes are the other big news: the red stripes are wider than the black, with a very thin black pinstripe that is not discernible from a distance, and a nice surprise detail up close. The pinstripe also gives it a very sporty feel. The other noticeable stripes belong on the shoulders, the trademark Adidas stripes are in gold. For most, this is the biggest crime of the jersey, but for me, they are a forgivable crime. The sleeves are solid black on the top with a little surprise red inset underneath, joined together by a sporty curved seam. This is so that the refs can better see when Milan players raise their arms to call for a penalty.

Well done, Adidas.

If that is as good as it gets, one needs to look no further than the rest of the kit to know Milan didn’t try that hard to keep it real. The traditional white shorts have a fantastic thin red and black stripe at the hem, and would be perfect if it weren’t for Adidas’ gold stripes on the side. Oh, well. The socks… well, I don’t mind them much. They carry the design elements from the jersey with the 3 gold stripes at the top, and the red stripe divided by the black pinstripe, and they even added a white 1899 to them lest anyone forget the year the club was formed. Kind of like if after a tackle, the opponent is lying on the ground, and the socks scream “My club is older than your club.” Or something like that. Anyway, while I typically prefer a simpler, classic sock, I’ve seen worse.

Somebody was left unsupervised with the piping

While we are going downhill, let’s quickly dissect the away kit. Ewww… some designer at Adidas just discovered piping. Take out the god-awful red and green piping design lines at the neckline and the sides, and this kit would be perfect. The fabulous red and black rib at the crew neck and sleeves is perfect and screams to be allowed for athletic use, plus matches the hem of the white shorts, too. But with the piping, it is an utter fail. Except when the opponents are distracted because our boys come out onto the pitch wearing what looks like ugly pajamas.

As part of Ambrosini's abusive sending off, he was forced to wear this and try to look happy. Or even human. Povero Capitano.

And then a meteoric slide down to the third kit, or Disco Kit™, which is the epic fail of all Milan kits in a very long time. I mean, who can run in solid gold? It’s heavy. Carrying through the perfect crew neck from the away kit, it all goes downhill from there. Did I mention that it was gold? Like King Midas himself touched it? There is a reason that the only difference between gold lamé and gold lame is an itty bitty accent mark. The accent mark is to tell you that it’s actually worse than lame. The black Adidas triple stripes on the shoulders and the black insets under the arm and sides make some attempt to rescue this monstrosity, but once you see THE POCKET, there is no going back. Like a bad horror film that ends even worse, they topped off THE POCKET with tricolore trim, lest THE POCKET go unnoticed. It will be just our luck that any silverware we earn will be won in this hideous freak of nature jersey so that it will be photographed for posterity. And since Galliani has made it clear that our highest objective is to win the Coppa Italia this year, the level of tackiness will be perfect. Lowered Expectations.

The letters and numbers on the back are fabulous, well suited to the designs, too.

With the home kit a vast improvement on last year’s I have hopes that our team will follow suit. Despite being incredibly lucky and winning a lot of games, particularly in the second half of the season, that was not my Milan. So this year I am hoping to see the return of my Milan, regardless of the outcome, and I hope that the new home kits will inspire our boys to play like the Milan teams we’ve known and loved, not Budget Milan™. Just so long as the gold kit stays packed away as much as possible in the storage at Milanello, we might have a successful season once more. If the red and black is truly the “Seconda Pelle” or second skin, I hope that what’s underneath the second skin lives up to the legendary colors on the outside.

Also good: The keeper kit. Excellent for stopping goals and traffic alike.

How do you rate the new kits? On a scale of 1-10*, please rate the home, away, and third kits, one being the lowest and ten being the highest.

*The gold kit is the exception, it can be rated on a scale of -100 to 10. -101 is every Inter kit ever, and 10 is perfect.

This post inspired by the music of Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy”