Milan Survival Guide 101

Milan is going nowhere fast. With epic fails from the management down to Matri, it can be tough when you bleed red and black. Tough, but not impossible. To help you get through this painful time when watching your beloved team actually physically hurts, we are bringing you this survival guide. After consulting a couple of Inter fans, whose job it is to hurt, even during success, we feel that the following tried and true methods will help ease the burden of being a Milanista during Year One Zero WTF.

1) Never eat too close to gametime. Avoid greasy or spicy foods that will react with the instant nausea at kickoff or even upon seeing the lineups.

2) When checking to see where Milan are in the table, start with number 10, then remove one digit, and Milan will always be in the top of the table.

3) Watch the MLS. Or maybe even kids’ football, and imagine they are Milan’s next opponent. While this requires some creative thinking, the result is worth the effort, and you should feel something called “optimism,” if you can remember what that is.

4) Use any leftover foil from dinner to fashion new trophies for Milan. Like “Fewest Turnovers in a Half” or “Successfully Defended a Set Piece.” By celebrating the little accomplishments, by the end of the season, you could have your own trophy case of up to half a dozen trophies.

5) Don’t watch any other European football. If you accidentally switch on a match like Sassuolo-Livorno, for example, tell yourself it’s a Champions League final and dream big.

CHAMPYUNS LEAG SUPASTARS FTW

6) To avoid any unfortunate commentating which talks about how far Milan have fallen, keep a stereo set to full volume and blast it to overpower your TV or stream. A song like AC/DC’s “Highway to Hell” would be particularly useful here.

7) If you are reading or watching the news and you see the Berlusconi name, STOP. Nothing good can come from knowing what is going on in that family and why Silvio spends more per year on alimony than he does on the mercato, for example.

8) Don’t invite friends over for games, particularly fans of rival clubs. They won’t understand your pain, and will respect you more when they don’t see you cursing, screaming, and huddled up in a ball crying.

9) Drink. Early, often, and always. Your liver will still be better off than if it had gone to Milan Lab, and the alcohol will serve not only to numb some of the pain, but to help you forget.

10) Commiserate with other Milan fans, like frequenting Milan Obsession. They are the only ones who understand your pain, and misery loves company.

One of each, please

If you carefully follow these 10 steps, you have a chance of surviving this season. It may not be easy, but Milan’s actual trophy room shows it will always be worth it… someday. Besides, it’s not as if you can get a heart transplant or a blood transfusion, so it’s best to treat the symptoms for survival. And speaking of survival, if you have any other survival tips for your fellow Milanisti, please post them in the comments section. It could be a matter of life or death.

This post inspired by the music of Suicidal Tendencies