Meltdown at Milan

With such poor results, tons of media rumors, and even the Curva recently protesting against the club, many are asking questions about the meltdown at Milan. And lots of people have their own theories as to answers, too. But are they asking the right questions? Today, I’ve asked 10 of the really super duper ultra important and incredibly serious questions to Pete Acquaviva of DAI DAI DAI and David Swan of AC Milan Finance, and the three of us feel that we have really dug deep and come up with practical and reasonable answers and solutions for AC Milan at this delicate time at the club. You’re welcome.

You can't handle the truth.

How much influence do you think Silvio Berlusconi’s personal stylist has to do with the problems at Milan? Should his stylist be sacked?

David: Balotelli played better with the Mohawk. In fact, ever since the team has lost the mohawks, the performances have dipped. I think Milan need to be listening to the personal stylist a little more, not sacking him/her.

Pete: He’s been in decline for years and I’m amazed after failing to reach the heights of his debut year that he’s still a factor for Silvio’s other head.

Elaine: I seriously doubt Berlusconi’s "personal stylist" organized the Bunga Bunga parties, but aesthetically, it’s not working at all. Sack her. If she’s old enough to be legally employed in the first place.

Milan’s commitment to youth project has taken a strange turn, with 29 year-old Barbara Berlusconi being given increased responsibility and rumors that 69 year-old Galliani could be phased out. Do you think this move is for aesthetics purposes, simply a case of nepotism, or an attempted apology for veering from the plan this summer?

David: You women have the players coming onto the pitch with their children, we get Barbara. In the words of the famous Ra's al Ghul, justice is balance.

Pete: Reports from deep inside Arcore suggest that Barbara and Galliani have been trying to conceive for years, with Pato brought in as a possible donor. No successes from Adriano yet, but with his age and lack of performance it’s understandable if Barbara is looking for a replacement.

Elaine: I think it’s all a ploy to create drama and take away the focus from the biggest problem at Milan: Allegri’s dentist. Seriously.

I never promised you a rose garden

Allegri has taken a lot of blame for poor performances and results this season and many fans have called for him to be sacked. If he were actually sacked, what do you think the impact would be on the use of the phrase Dai Dai Dai in Italy?

David: It would only grow in memory of him. Sacking the man is futile if you genuinely want the use of this phrase to die out. See what I did there? Well do you!?

Pete: I worry that there may not be order in the streets should Allegri be relieved.

Elaine: I hear Conte is looking for a new catch phrase, and is just waiting for the chance to steal it.

Milan’s meltdown has been very public. Do you think it was an effort on Berlusconi’s part to keep media personnel employed during Italy’s financial crisis?

David: Even La Gazzetta have had enough of it now - their two-day journalists' strike last week was clearly a message to the club that they don't want to report on this rubbish anymore. And that they want Barbara. Barbara at the club = photos in La Gazzetta every day, and what journalist wouldn't want to work on that every day?

Pete: I think it was a conscious effort to support strip clubs across Milano, as Mediaset reports Allegri frequents the same strip club “Ruby” worked for. Allegri’s stress levels were kept at a high level to prevent Ruby from saying the entire truth, although Silvio did take a bit of a hit which would explain why Allegri is soon to be shot out into space.

Elaine: There’s no way he is that altruistic. I think he’s getting a cut of the increased sales of the international papers.

They can't agree on matching pantsuits

Do you think it’s just a coincidence that Moratti sold his majority of Inter after Milan was well on their way to self-destruction? If not, what percentage would you blame Moratti for our current situation?

David: I think your question should be 'is it a coincidence that Moratti sold his majority just as Galliani was being put under pressure?' Fully expecting a Moratti-Berlusconi double act at the helm of Milan, bringing us back to the glory days.

Pete: Yes, pure coincidence - I’m pretty sure Moratti is selling his stake in Inter to invest in Marlboro.

Elaine: Not a coincidence at all, he’s been working on this since he put Calciopoli into motion. Now he can sit back and enjoy the show.

The purchase of Matri has baffled fans worldwide. Do you think it was because Galliani is a former Juventus supporter? Or a payoff for not holding the Trofeo Berlusconi tournament this year?

David: I'll let you all in on a secret - Galliani is actually playing a real life version of FIFA Ultimate Team. He had to buy Matri to improve the chemistry rating in attack. His next task is to bring some Brasilvers to Milan.

Pete: Nargi.

Elaine: Matri is Allegri’s secret lovechild, and Juventus found out. The €11m was just hush money.

Federica Nargi: The €11m WAG

Many people have blamed the quality of the squad for performances this season. But no one seems to have considered the giant red busts created for the Seconda Pelle exhibit that have been placed at Milanello around the same time as our downturn. Are these poor performances simply a coincidence? Or do the busts have some kind of magical powers to weaken the players’ abilities?

David: I think you'll find if you change those busts to the beautiful gold jerseys, the performances will improve to reflect the fact that it is by far and away the best jersey in Milan's history, regardless of what a certain Milan blogging fashionista claims.

Pete: These questions are slowly becoming a conspiracy theory that is so much less likely than the reality of the situation: Allegri fell out with Ruby and now Silvio has to “take care of the problem”.

Elaine: It shouldn’t be a secret that the busts were made of a strange metal found in a meteorite, so probably have some kind of powers like kryptonite. Especially considering the meteorite had the Inter logo and was blue and black striped.

Mysterious.

Milan have had another season with an extraordinary amount of injuries, particularly muscle injuries. Do you think it is due to Audi’s design and engineering, since they all drive Audi cars? Or is it possibly that the gold jerseys are actually made of gold, and cause various muscle problems due to the weight?

David: I will not comment on the muscle injuries. I will not comment on the muscle injuries. I will not comment on the muscle injuries. I will not comment on the muscle injuries. I will not comment on the muscle injuries. I will not comment on the mus.....

Pete: I blame Fly Emirates, because they’re machines. Planes. They’re an airline. It’s no surprise they have no idea how to run MilanLab.

Elaine: Those jerseys do not need to be made of real gold to cause injuries. Hell, they cause injuries to the eyes of everyone who is forced to look upon them. It’s obvious: lose the gold jerseys, lose the injuries.

The Curva Sud have twice been punished by the FIGC for territorial discrimination this season, with the second punishment suspended for one year. Do you think this is because other teams want to undermine their amazing coreo? Or is it that the FIGC simply do not know their geography, and are confused when the Curva sing “We are not N**politans?”

David: They are using these sanctions as a form of social control, to prevent anomie from breaking out amongst Serie A.

They've done exceptionally well to bring Jackson Toby's theory from the late 50s into the modern day, and they are clearly concerned about Italian football fans falling into the delinquency, a state that Toby felt arose from the gang socialisation that is so evident amongst Italian football curve.

Pete: I think the curva are talking about the ice cream, which makes this all a big misunderstanding.

Elaine: Definitely the coreo. Whereas Napoli fans are too busy attacking opponents’ busses and throwing urine-filled balloons at opposing fans, Milan have the best coreo in the world. It was only a matter of time before they found a way to take our Curva down.

Everyone wants a piece of this, including the FIGC....

A lot of people want to see some change at Milan. If you could only replace one person at Milan right now with a Lord of the Rings character, who would you replace, and with which character? Why?  

David: Lord of the Rings is a pile of ****. I've not seen that rubbish, and if I had I wouldn't admit to it. I will choose my own film trilogy - that trilogy will be Star Wars (the original three).

I would replace Galliani with Darth Vader, so he can say "you don't know the poooowwwweeeerrrrr of "(insert player/something to do with Milan)"

Pete: I’d have to replace Allegri with Saruman, as Saruman did a much better job commanding the Orcs.

Elaine: My choice would be to replace Barbara Berlusconi with Éowyn, shieldmaiden of Rohan. She killed the Witch King of Angmar, something no man could do, and it will take nothing short of that to take on both her father and Galliani and right this ship. (Plus Miranda Otto is way hotter than Barbara, so it’s a win-win.)

Thanks so much to Pete Acquaviva of DAI DAI DAI and David Swan of AC Milan Finance for sharing their incredible Milan wisdom with us on all of these very important matters. For more wisdom that would make Confucius proud, please follow us on Twitter: @PDAcquaviva, @DavidLSwan, and @milanobsession*

*Satisfaction not guaranteed, no refunds, just like Milan’s season this year.