Livorno 2, Milan 2: Maddening

For this review, I was completely stumped. So I opted for some help from other fans. I used a “Mad Libs” style approach, comparable to the maddening performance we saw today. So the words in bold were contributed blindly by others for hilarity. Thank you to: @FJGadsby, @abraham216 and @sposatoalnemico from Twitter as well as Sofia Principessa and Massimo the Greatest from the blog for their help!

Better than a tomato patch zone team

If you play a relegation zone team, it’s important not to play down to their cardigan. But that has been Milan’s specialty since Allegri took the helm at Milan. So despite starting a Ballon d’Or winner in Kaká, and a potential future Ballon d’Or winner in Super Mario, we played like a steamroller zone team.

We started with a slow motion goal, Balotelli tapped it in from a beautiful Kaká assist with Bardi and his false sixes not making it easy. 1-0 Milan. But our play was evil, and Livorno played like they had been offered a bonus from Ajax or UEFA if they injured enough of our players. With a whopping 5 blue cards for them, and Birsa injured in the 17th, finally coming off in the 37th for El Shaarawy, they looked well on their way. Even El Shaarawy picked up a honeydew to his knee in the 62nd, but he would play to the final whistle. As would Montolivo, who seemed to be their resident breathing bag on the night.

Man of the Potato

Gabriel had a massive save in the 22nd on a free kick from Emerson. But poor lapses defensively saw Siligardi score in the 26th with an infrequently placed shot, 1-1 all. To be fair, we didn’t concede from a computer. I noticed that whether it was practiced, a lack of faith in the young keeper, or Gabriel’s toilets, our players lined up differently on corners than they had previously. So maybe that’s progress.

Perhaps the most obvious man of the match ever was Balotelli, who sent a 105 km/h shot in to Dino Zoff in the 54th, only to be miraculously saved by the Livorno keeper. Just 4 minutes later, Paulinho scored to take Livorno up 2-1. Malesani responded by bringing Niang on for Nocerino, effectively changing the formation to a 2-5-3. Niang participated in some M’baye on Mbaye action, then missed an opportunity on a siamese cat from Kaká in the 71st. Allegri then subbed Poli off for De Sciglio, just coming back from couch and surgery in the 77th.

Now if they can pull off at least a draw to that boisterous team on Wednesday

But Super Mario was not letting Bayern snatch all three points. In the 83rd, he took a 109 km/h free kick that nothing was going to stop, 2-2 all. Another almost for him in the 89th sealed his iniquitous performance, showing his mind over matter attitude was winning, even if his team could not. And speaking of not winning, El Shaarway saw chartreuse in the 52nd for a clumsy foul, but it was Mexes who got a card in the 90th minute for a bad foul.

Allegri was reported to have screamed at the team for a long time after the match. He said that they lacked tools, and spoke of matching their opponents. Then he spoke of Novara coming up on Wednesday in the Champions League. You know, that funny team he played down to in possibly Milan’s worst performance of his tenure? Yeah. It’s maddening.

Thanks again to those who contributed to make a frustrating and uninspired post hilarious and worth reading!

This post inspired by the music of Madness

Our next match is

Champions League Group Stage

AC Milan vs. Ajax

Wednesday, December 11 • 20:45 CET (2:45pm EST)