BUY ALL TEH PLAYRZ

With the news that the legendary Michael Essien is in talks with Milan, looking to get a contract through June of 2015, I could hardly contain my excitement. Here’s a 31 year-old player who has five appearances for his club this season and three of those were actually substitutions. So that means he has the same number of shots as substitutions, and the same number of yellow cards as he does starts. He’s never played in Serie A, and by some accounts doesn’t even have the pace for the English Premier League. SOUNDZ LYKE A MILAN KYND OF GUY. 

#DreamTransfer

So many transfer rumors, with so few exits for Milan players. We were told that players would have to leave, and even then there were no plans to bring any more players in during this mercato. But we were also told at one point that players over 30 would only be given one year contracts, and yet we are collecting the old guys on pension-length contracts like we are building a retirement community. Hope Milan Lab has plenty of laxatives and denture cream. OLD GUYZ RULE

Most fans either want world class players to come in or for us to nurture and develop the young players that we have. Or some combination of both. But not to be told what to do, Galliani is a maverick, he thinks outside the box. Literally. That little box at the bottom of the budget sheet? Why do all the numbers need to be black? Or even stay inside the box? Isn’t a wage bill infinite? And why pay a reasonable wage for a really good player when you could pay more for a falling star kind of player? MOAR WAYGEZ PLS

#TransferGold

If you thought that bringing Seedorf in was some kind of a magic pill for all of Milan’s problems, think again. He might solve some of our problems on the pitch, but the stupidity and lies and lack of financial responsibility or accountability on any level is obviously completely missing at the top. Not even an actual magician could make a squad play decent football with Galliani’s Discount and Loan Squad™. /MERKATOE FAIL

We could be like Inter’s fans and protest this transfer, providing loads of entertainment for the rest of the world. Or we could wait for ages and watch our worst *cough*Matri*cough* fears be realized, and then let our Curva protest during a game instead and hold our players and the opposing team hostage, threatening our own players with sticks. (Because Milan are nothing if not classy.) Or we could pray to whatever higher power we believe in that maybe this aging, out of form player who has never played in Serie A will pan out for us. /FACEPALM

#FreeTransfersFTW

Who knows? Essien has reportedly already agreed to terms, and may already be a Milan player by the time you read this. Maybe he will be joined by other over 30 players who have pissed off their clubs, fallen out of grace with their coaches, lost their form, suffered numerous injuries, said inappropriate things on Twitter, slept with someone else’s wife, or any other number of ways to get themselves loaned. Ooh, maybe we could find a player who has been in trouble with the law! No, I guess Niang’s driving incident already counts for that one. Still, there is always hope. MILAN THUGZ

After all, people say Galliani has lost his touch, but that depends on what you think his touch was in the first place. If it was being a man of integrity, and following through with his promises of, say, trusting in our youth, I don’t believe even he would claim to be that man, on a good day. If you think his touch was putting together a squad of world class players to win everything in sight, then yeah, I think he’s definitely lost it. But if you think his touch is smelling a half-rotten player to get a free transfer or loan deal (even if it still jacks up our wage bill,) then he hasn’t lost a step. Although sometimes, his half-rotten loan deals do work out okay, so there is that. But since he only seems to remember his addition now, and not his subtraction, then why not? BUY ALL THE PLAYRZ.

This post inspired by the ALL TEH TROLLZ

Our next match is

Cagliari vs. Milan

Sunday, January 26 • 15:00 CET (9am EST)

(preview up tomorrow)