Atalanta vs. Milan: It’s All About Me

With nothing left to play for except a Europa League spot that five other teams are playing for, and a kickoff time that is at 3:30am my time on Mother’s Day here in the States, I’ve decided to make this game all about me. I mean Atalanta are called the Goddess, right? Then of course this one is all about me.

Last time we played Atalanta, it was all about him. Now it's my turn.

First of all, who scheduled this match at 3:30am for me? A woman doesn’t stay as stunningly beautiful as I am without her beauty sleep. But that’s okay, at least I’ll get to see my gorgeous Yepes, he’ll make it somewhat worth my while. Oh, wait. Juventus broke him on Sunday. Damn, that team is so selfish. Well at least hopefully there will be some decent football to watch. With Milan in eighth place and Atalanta holding at eleventh, though, even that may be too much to ask for. Can’t I catch a break?

When we played Atalanta at the San Siro in January, we beat them three nil. With Allegri screaming “Dai Dai Dai” and Matri in the starting lineup. So either they haven’t recovered from that insult or they will be looking for Diavolo blood. I’m guessing playing at home, it will be the latter. I mean I want Milan to drop points, but losing to a Nerazzurri team is not on my list of fun things to do.

Juventus ruin everything. (Get well soon, beautiful!)

Back to those selfish Juventini, they celebrated their third consecutive Scudetto win on Monday by defeating La Dea 1-0. Colantuano fielded Consigli; Lucchini, Bellini, Brivio, my lovely Yepes; Bonaventura, Carmona, Baselli, Raimondi; Moralez, and Denis. In addition to lacking my favorite long-haired Colombian, Colantuono will be missing defenders Stendardo and Lucchini to injury, and midfielder Cazzola to injury as well as Estigarribia to suspension. So Juve pissed off Atalanta and broke my Yepes. What tims is this game again? Seriously, people, it’s Mother’s Day. Can’t I catch a little break?

Speaking of people who need to catch a break, Seedorf has been given the ridiculous and foolhardy challenge of getting this team of trequartisti into the Europa League. You laugh, but the rumors about his job are not funny. After enduring three and a half years of Allegri, they finally give me someone who can manage this band of misfits, and now they threaten to give him the axe after less than six months and enough success to make everyone else do Galliani Maths™? I mean if the season started when Seedorf did, we’d be thinking about Champions League qualification right now. With this band of misfits. I did not give anyone permission to screw up my team anymore. Who do these people think they are?

"Bad news, Silvio, Seedorf won again. He's not following the plan"

Seedorf’s list of people who have played trequarista this season will be shortened by the Slovenian number 10, Valter Birsa, as well as the young Saponara due to injury. I hope he has enough trequartisti left for a starting eleven. Then there is my big, bald and beautiful Abbiati who will be suspended for this match due to card accumulation after our amazing Derby win on Sunday. Not only will I miss him, but the team will, too, as he was crucial in keeping the clean sheet against Denis in January. Is there nothing left to live for?

This game is costing me beauty sleep, my breakfast in bed for Mother’s Day, and I don’t even know what outcome to root for. Doesn’t anyone think of me before they put themselves in these predicaments? Without my beautiful Yepes, will there even be anything to see tomorrow? I can’t even think of poor Seedorf, who has completely turned this team around, and is in the media spotlight more than Balotelli, something I never dreamed possible. Speaking of dreaming, Milan will owe me some sleep. So they’d best stop stressing me out, a face like this doesn’t need any wrinkles to ruin its perfection. After all, it’s all about me.

This post inspired by a surprisingly rapid onset of narcissism.

Atalanta vs. Milan

Sunday, May 11 • 12:30 CEST (6:30am EDT, 3:30am where *I* live)

This match will be shown on RAI in the U.S.

Check here for stream links ahead of the match