Nightmare at San Siro

I remember it like it was yesterday, and yet I’m not even sure it was real. It happened on Friday, October 31st… Halloween. The Derby della Madonnina was scheduled to be played, and I had flown to Milano just to watch it. Through a friend of a friend of a friend, I had managed to get some really great tickets… right near where Berlusconi would be sitting, I couldn’t believe my luck. Little did I know that luck was not on my side at all…

The place of my dreams became a nightmare

As I rode the metro toward the San Siro, I was so excited. I couldn’t wait to see the stadium full of people, to see the players, to watch a game live. But I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe going on Halloween was such a good idea. Just superstition, I told myself. This was a perfect way to spend Halloween.

After I got to the stadium and found my seat, I looked around and still couldn’t believe my luck. I had a great view of the field, and I knew I would be able to see Berlusconi and his entourage, too. As I watched both teams warm up, my heart started beating faster. And now they were playing “Inno Milan,” and the players were coming out of the tunnel. But something was dreadfully wrong. Every player was named Bonera. As they turned to lineup, they all seemed to look right at me with an evil grin that chills my soul to this day. They all looked like Bonera, too. Eleven Boneras.

Bonera to the eleventh power?

Now my heart was beating even faster and I was really freaking out. It took an extra long time for the obligatory handshakes, because each and every Bonera were so nice, they all had to shake each other’s hands, too. Then it happened. I saw Galliani, taking a seat not too far away from me. As he looked my way, his eyes rolled to the back of his head, and his tongue did this snake-like thing that I will never forget. It was so scary, I thought I would pee my pants.

But that was nothing compared to what came next. Behind him came Milan’s club president. Only that wasn’t Silvio Berlusconi… it was Massimo Moratti! He was even sporting a red and black scarf as he sat down next to Galliani. I was panicking now, covered in sweat, and I must have looked as though I’d seen a ghost. However, the game was starting, and we all reluctantly turned our heads to the pitch.

The face of a million nightmares

That was when I saw Allegri. Allegri was somehow coaching Milan again. No wonder he had fielded eleven Boneras. It wasn’t long before we conceded, what with eleven Boneras on the pitch. In fact, it was only 13 seconds before those snakes scored their first goal. After the sixth Inter goal in five minutes, I turned my head to see if that really was Moratti or if maybe I had just imagined it all. As I was staring, a Bonera “shot” came screaming toward me and hit me in the face.

I regained consciousness just in time to notice that the medics carrying me were wearing MilanLab logos on their uniforms. Then I blacked out again. I also remember them loading me into an ambulance that also had the MilanLab logo on it, and I tried to scream out “No, don’t take me to MilanLab!” But they just gave me an injection, saying it was to calm me down, and that’s all I remember.

The most wicked laugh imaginable... now it was all making sense

The next thing I remember was being back in my hotel room, and realizing it was time to get ready and catch my flight home. I felt like I had been drugged or something, and I was still really upset about everything I had seen. But I quickly started packing, and decided a hot shower would make me feel better. After the shower, I had relaxed a little and decided it must have been a really bad dream. Maybe I had eaten something bad and gotten food poisoning. Maybe that nightmare was all just a hallucination. But as I looked in the mirror, I suddenly knew it was no hallucination… there was a ball-sized bruise on my face and a picture of Bonera on the mirror with “Get well soon” on it… signed eleven times.

 Happy Halloween!

This post inspired by the music of Elaine’s Halloween Mix

Our next match is

Milan vs. Palermo

Sunday, November 2 • 20:45 CET (2:45pm EST)