The Golden Matris 2014

Last year, following in the footsteps of RAI Rado 2’s Bidone d’Oro (golden trashcan) and Striscia la Notizia’s Tapiro d’Oro (golden tapir) awards, the Golden Matri™ award was introduced last October as a way to measure complete and utter human failure in football. Keeping the tradition alive, there is plenty of failure to celebrate once again. So without further ado, I give to you the recipients of the October 2014 Golden Matris™:

Setting the new low standard in epic fails

Worst interview: Wulfert Cornelius “Marco” van Ginkel

Please, young Dutch phenom, tell us again how much you are thinking of Milan as you say that you are grateful Chelsea didn’t include a buyout clause. Oh, and don’t let that door hit you on the way out. Also wins a Golden Matri™ for worst name, too.

Worst transfer luck: Jonathan Biabiany

He had taken the medicals, taken the pic in the Milan jersey, and then Zaccardo caused the deal to collapse in the final hours of the mercato. As if that wasn’t bad enough, they found heart problems in the medicals, and he still can’t even play yet. That is some seriously bad luck.

The poor man deserves some good luck and a free chance at Zaccardo with a baseball bat

Worst defender: Daniele Bonera

Little girls with jumpropes all over Italy sing Bonera’s name and then jump for “How many goals will he concede?” They know they’ve got to get past 30 jumps if they are going to be remotely accurate for this season.

Worst catch phrase: Adriano Galliani’s “’Three Days of the Condor’ and I always strike”

I don’t know if you can use the word “strike” if you are the one who brought us Matri in the first place. I think that verb is more likely to be “bend over.”

Whomever made this poster is only feeding his delusions.

Worst dog website: Silvio Berlusconi for his “Forza Dudu” site

You’re a billionaire. You still dabble in politics when you’re not in court or doing the court-mandated community service. Your fiancée is nearly 1/3 your age. And you spend your spare time as an admin for a website for your dog?

Worst teambuilding exercise: Pato and Kaka

While very entertaining for those of us with out egg yolks in our hair, this would not be my first choice teambuilding activity.

Brazilian kids are starving, and they are wasting their eggs

Worst and most pathetic begging: Umberto Gandini asking for a Wild Card entry into the Champions League

I meet panhandlers every day whose demands are more realistic, probable, and classy than Mr. Gandini’s shameless request to UEFA last week.

Worst underclothing: Ibrahimovic

Ibra is Ibratastic. But I’m not sure the sportsbra and boyshorts combo is his best look. Please put your clothes back on.

It's not working for me.

Worst wages: Mexes

Lowest productivity, highest wages. Sure, makes sense to me, Galliani.

Worst dressed: Bozo Vieri

After sleeping with every woman with a pulse in all of Italy in his earlier years, Vieri has finally found a way to repel the entire female gender.

I didn't realize he had fallen on such tough times

Worst player who also happens to have scored… twice: Muntari

He can stop a play dead before it even gets started. And speaking of dead, opponents feel lucky to leave the pitch alive. He turns the ball over faster than the speed of light. But with two goals in six games, he’ll also be a starter whenever he’s not suspended.

Oldest WAG: Mattia De Sciglio

Some guys just like older women, but this may cross a line. Good to see that he’s not caught up in looks, though. I think someone may have read the tortoise and the hare one too many times.

She's just wrong for you on so many levels, Mattia

This post inspired by Elaine’s Trashy Disco Mix

Our next match is

Milan vs. Verona

Sunday, October 19 • 15:00 CEST (9am EDT)