Derby Villains

The Derby della Madonnina is always a heated affair. Even more so since Calciopoli in 2006, when Inter’s special brand of participation in the scandal gave them unfair advantages, including titles that stand even today. Kind of ironic, then that just ahead of the Derby, Inter would bring back the coach from that same time period, who clearly also has no qualms about the advantages his team gained or claiming the titles that Inter “won” under his tenure. So even more so than with other rivals, this Derby calls for a post profiling a few of the villains we’ll potentially face in the Nerazzurri on Sunday.

Pazzini knows how to stop the suspiciously good Handanovic

Handanovic: I believe that Massimo Moratti went to Slovenia and recruited Samir as a child, performing biological experiments on him in his secret lab until he had created the perfect goalkeeper. However, Moratti didn’t anticipate what the evil weight of the Inter crest or the damage a Mazzarri 3-man back line would do to his creation, so Handanovic has shown lately that he can be beaten. Let’s hope that even with Mancini’s new back four, Milan’s attack can be his Kryptonite.

Nagatomo: Like the Bizarro World version of Honda, they share only their country of birth and their spots on the Japanese national team. Whereas Honda is classy, well-dressed, and an amazing attacker, Nagatomo is… well the opposite of all that. Don’t put it above the defender to take out his fellow countryman.

Johnny Depp's explosive evil twin?

Osvaldo: Johnny Depp’s evil twin is like the epic fail evil football version of the actor. Whereas the actor is consistently strange and one dimensional onscreen, Osvaldo has moments of evil brilliance in between nuclear meltdowns and complete fails. If his explosiveness can be contained, then all anyone will be talking about on Monday is whatever the hell he wore to the match.

Ranocchia: The Frog Prince has been about as good for Inter as an actual frog would be on defense. And now he wears Zanetti’s armband, too, to weigh him down further. Despite moments where his royal evilness shines through, he should be defeated easily enough by Milan’s powers for good in attack. Oh, and girls, don’t kiss him. He’s Inter. He’s not really going to turn into a prince.

Maybe his evil powers are in the braid?

Palacio: I understand a child wanting to be a Padawan, but at Rodrigo’s age, the braid is just really sad. Still, he clearly went to the Dark Side and must be feared, as his powers have grown faster than his bald spot. Thank heavens Bonera won’t be marking him.

Icardi: Mauro has never even heard of a moral compass, and wouldn’t use it if he had one. He clearly never even had a soul to sell, and if he did, he would have stolen Satan’s wife in the process. But when they say nice guys finish last, it’s because of scumbags like him. All of the talent and absolutely no soul makes him a very dangerous foe.

Icardi clearly has no fashion compass, either

Lastly, we could have faced one more villain in Sulley Muntari. Normally, he is the 12th man to our opponent and works against us on the pitch, aka our worst enemy. But he was gracious enough to get injured and is in doubt for the Derby. However, facing off against all of this evil, perhaps our very own ex-Inter villain would be just the antidote we need to triumph over our evil cousins. Let’s just hope that good triumphs over evil and that this Derby has a happy Hollywood ending.

This post inspired by the music of Front 242’s “Headhunter”

Our next match is

il Derby della Madonnina

Milan vs. Inter

Sunday, November 23 • 20:45 CET (2:45pm EST)