Things to Do Before the Derby

For 50 weeks out of the year, I try to spread the magic of sportsmanship and goodwill to football fans around the world. But for the weeks ahead of both Derbies, all bets are off. Not only are Inter our filty, disease-ridden, pathetic cross-town rivals, but they are also the soulless, scumsucking, vile guttersnipes who brought on Calcio’s Greatest Shame and then capitalized on it. So forgive me for my language, but I’ve got a few things to do before the Derby.

One of my favorite Derby moments ever

1) We may not always win the Derby, but when we do, it’s the sweetest thing in the world. So I need to prepare myself for The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly .

2) Never forget. Two and a half years ago, I made my pilgrimage to the San Siro, only to find that It Hurts Even Worse in Person when we lose. So I will spend some quality time looking through my pictures of that trip to sharpen my proverbial knife.

3) A little smacktalk goes a long way. But a lot of smacktalk goes even further. So I will Bring it. You’re welcome.

4) You can’t bring a sword to a gunfight. This is a Throwdown, so you need to bring a sword and a gun. And any other weapons or skills you can find. Seriously, this is battle, people. And I for one am hoping it’s an epic one.

Balotelli knew.

5) For some reason, hating Inter makes me hungry. For snakes, specifically. Besides, I need to keep my strength up. So I need to find some good menu and recipe options, like this Supercoppa Derby to Go or the infamous Snake Soup.

6) I need to check in with my good friends Samuele and Alice and make sure they are still pummeling that stupid little halfwit punk Filippo. And any other Interisti they would like. Also to make sure Samuele and Alice know that they have a second home here, I love those kids.

7) A few distractions are in order to get through the week. May I suggest an Evening at the Theater? It’s good to remember these sorts of things, especially if you are planning revenge. Or also the feeling that is just Beyond Words when we win like we did a year ago.

8)  Know who you’re hating. I like to study up on my opponents with hard-hitting research like in Derby Villains.

9) Know who you’re supporting. While I want immense performances from every Milan player, I am going to pray, light candles, do dances, and whatever other superstitious or religious or feel-good activities on behalf of our own Bonaventura. Having rightfully and blissfully snubbed those feeble serpents, I would love for him to put the nail in their coffin. Literally or metaphorically, I’m not picky.

Know your heroes

10) Wear Milan jerseys every day this week and otherwise prepare for battle. This year, our boys might be able to win this one on their own, but they will only do better the more I support them. So I will spend every ounce of energy I have this week focused on this match. This is not a Holy War, this is the quintessential battle between good and evil, and we need to make sure good triumphs. Ideally with an exclamation point.

Seeing Mancini at the helm makes this even more infuriating for me, since he was the coach who claimed the paper Scudetto and the false ones immediately afterward, with stolen players. I want him and his filthy, disgusting, cheating squad to be crying at the end of 90 minutes. I want those hideous, revolting hacks to truly feel the pain of being Inter without the help of cheating and corruption of titanic proportions. So I’ve got a lot to do to prepare for this match.

How about you? Do you have any Derby traditions or any preparations that you will be making this week? Please feel free to elaborate in the comments.

This post inspired by the music of Jesus and Mary Chain’s “Snakedriver”

Our next match is

il Derby della Madonnina

Inter vs. AC Milan

Sunday, April 19 • 20:45 CEST (2:45pm EDT)