Galliani Maths™

In his not-so-golden years, Galliani has very visibly slid downhill in his mercato deals and financial planning for Milan. But he’s improved very much in one thing: Galliani Maths™. Galliani Maths™ are a method of taking numbers and statistics and spinning them to make Milan seem better than they are. Like in a loss, finding something that makes it seem like we won instead. Galliani is so good at spinning things now, in his mind, I think we’re winning everything. So in this “season to forget,” I’m gonna take the numbers and spin them Galliani-style and give you something to remember. It’s all about the Galliani Maths™.

"Eleventh place is just two number ones"

Three Trophies

What’s to spin? Inzaghi may have this team in 11th place and sliding steadily down, but he won three trophies this year. That’s more than any major European coach that I know of. #Winning

11th Place

Not only is 11th place seven places above relegation, it’s only seven points below seventh place. Unfortunately, Galliani was schooled by UEFA this year when his pipe dreams of maybe finishing seventh were burst by the fact that seventh place would not in fact secure us any kind of spot in the Europa League for next year. Nice try, though Galliani. #TryAgain

46 players in, 52 players out

Since the summer of 2012, Milan has seen 46 players come into the squad and 52 players leave. Because for Galliani, it’s not about quality, it’s about quantity. When you can sell a Thiago Silva and bring in an Acerbi, for example and pocket most of that €42m, never reinvesting it in the squad, why not? #YOLO

This dollar from Omar Momami is Galliani's favorite currency

Free Transfers

When your scouts present you a very promising young player in their early 20’s for a remarkably low transfer fee, it is way too big of a risk. Always go with the free transfers. Free transfers are like the celery to someone dieting: they are no-risk, no-cost, and don’t count on your daily food log. Like waving a magic wand, your squad goes from 25 players to 30 with no cost at all, which is especially helpful when you’ve got injuries. #ZeroAccountability

€91m in Losses

Losing €91m in the year 2014 was to be expected, what with Milan not qualifying for Europe. Which they would have, had the referees given Muntari his goal vs. Juve however many years ago. And the fans. The fans are just ungrateful. The lack of gratitude is responsible for at least €60m alone, and the other €31m is because of Kaka’s Orphans. #NotMyFault

Barbara simply facepalms over Galliani Maths™

It’s true, I am no Galliani, but I have had a much shorter time on this planet to try to spin things for people. Also, I actually do believe in trying to be accountable for my actions, which also means that I don’t have a reported severance package of €50-60m coming my way after I’ve completely destroyed Milan. See? In November of 2013, when Barbara called him out on his transfers, he threw a tantrum and said he was resigning. But he was never planning to resign, he wanted to spin it in his direction, successfully negotiating a new five year contract and letting Braida take the hit for him. Damn, that is some serious GallianiMaths™.

This post inspired by the music of the Sex Pistols

Our next match is

Milan vs. Roma

Saturday, May 9 • 20:45 CEST (2:45pm EDT)