Conspiracy Theory

While Juventus play Lazio for the Supercoppa in China mere hours from now, I thought it was important to address a very, very serious subject. Juventus are a club who have long been accused of cheating. How else could you possibly explain one club having won 33 Scudetti? Other than consistently responsible business practices, excellent scouting, buying the best players, hiring excellent coaches, and actually making their own stadium happen? It must be a conspiracy, right? And yet they have been cleared of all accusations of foul play, except in Calciopoli, where all of that innocence caught up to them. That seemed to increase the conspiracy theories, even if evidence showed they never should have been relegated. But this year, they have decided to shamelessly display their obvious deal with the league to win an unprecedented fifth Scudetto in a row. How do I know? The question is how can you not know?

I don't speak Chinese, but I am certain this spells out their diabolical plan

Let me break it down for you in pictures:

This is the league ball for Serie A this season

This is Juve’s away shirt.

Not enough proof? This is Juve’s travel and warmup gear this year. A picture of their players wearing the same color as the league ball, shamelessly posted on their very own website. The players are obviously mindless robots headed straight to hell, but happy to do it with another Scudetto. Also too lazy to use the stairs.

As if that wasn’t obvious enough, if you watched the draw for the Serie A schedule, the requisite trophy girl was clearly wearing a Juventus outfit, the black and white zebra motif shamelessly screaming “one more title for Juventus” as she helped announce the schedule that somehow will help poor Juventus overcome the huge gap they have on all of the other teams yet again this season:

That outfit is criminal in and of itself.

I really don’t know how to spell it out for you any more clearly, the proof is in the photos. Juventus obviously have a deal with Lega Serie A to help them along to another Scudetto this season. It won’t be given in gols di Muntari, because Muntari isn’t in Italy anymore, and now we have goal line technology. It can’t be in the reffing, because after Inter sent them to Serie B, there’s no way they would touch that. Maybe it’s the groundskeepers. Maybe they’ll pay them to fix the pitches somehow, I don’t know. I mean if Napoli believed that teams intentionally flooded their pitches with a deluge that also killed people and flooded their cities a few years back, then anything is possible in Serie A.

All I know is that I’m on to you, Juve. I’m watching you and your hideous pink jerseys. I know that spokesmodel at the draw for the schedule was on your payroll, you should have thought about your choice of outfit for her if you wanted to keep this quiet. Nevermind that you have Allegri the Team Destroyer™ as your coach. That is just a ruse to make everyone believe that the league hasn’t already engraved Juventus on the next Scudetto. It may take me all 38 weeks of the season to figure out how and prove it, but I will. If those damned pink kits and training gear don’t blind me first.

My lawyers have asked me to tell you that this is not actually a conspiracy, it is a satirical look at fans of Serie A and their superstitions. Of course Juventus aren’t going to win the league this year, not in those hideous jerseys. And that woman’s outfit is an abomination to all fashion, I’m surprised that Juventus haven’t issued a statement distancing themselves from it as Italian citizens and people of decent taste. Plus, Allegri. If you ever wanted a guarantee that a team will not win, look to his coaching after year one. Please tell me there is at least one Juventus fan that waited to attack me until they read this part. If so, good luck with Allegri. Seriously.

This post inspired by the music of John Williams’ “Call of the Champions”

Our next match is

The Trofeo TIM Tournament

AC Milan vs. Sassuolo vs. Inter

Wednesday, August 12

20:45 CEST (2:45pm EDT): AC Milan vs. Inter

21:45 CEST (3:45pm EDT): Sassuolo vs. Loser of the 1st game

22:45CEST (4:45pm EDT): Sassuolo vs. Winner of the 1st game