Euro Fever

Football does strange things to people. Like possessing someone to write a blog religiously for over five years. Or creating podcasts that take an average of twelve hours of work per episode. Or waking up to watch games at 3:30 am. Or flying halfway around the world to watch a single match. But enough about me. Football fever is very, very dangerous. And with this Euro tournament, there is a strain of football fever going around that is particularly severe. I cannot emphasize enough that you take precautions against it to keep you and your loved ones safe from this terrible disease.

This Albanian contracted Euro Fever so severely, it took over his entire personage

This year, this particular version of Euro Fever has proven fatal. And caused lots of injuries, too. Fans clashing in France ahead of matches, during matches, after matches, and clashing in between the clashes have resulted in lots of injuries. There are reports that several supporters are in critical condition, too. One Northern Ireland supporter actually fell to his death the other day. Whatever it is about this disease that possesses people, it has gone much too far already. Football is everything, but people should never die for football.

When Euro Fever is combined with a dose of social media, it can lead to delusions and even psychotic episodes. For example, after a qualification that was like rubbing sandpaper continuously over open wounds, Italy won one game convincingly in spite of Conte. But there are documented cases all over social media of people claiming he is some kind of genius or god or worse: a great coach. Clearly, this Euro Fever is quite serious. Based on his selections and lineups alone, it is clear that he is none of those things. That is the power of this disease.

Reading the signs will keep you safe. Or something.

There are several things you can do to prevent contracting this disease. First and foremost, don’t drink blue Kool-Aid. Or any Kool-Aid for that matter. It is suspected that the delusions and psychotic episodes stem from a combination of Kool-Aid and watching football. Secondly, obey the signs. To demonstrate their superior knowledge and power over this deadly disease, the French government have erected signs saying “No Fighting.” Clearly, that is all you need to protect you from harm’s way, so do read the signs.

But most importantly, and I think this is true year round, beware of the accounts you surround yourself with on social media. While even Giaccherini was probably surprised he scored on Monday, Euro Fever spread virally after that goal. All it took was one infected account, and it spread rampantly amongst Azzurri fans. In fact, even Conte and some of the Azzurri players got it. Conte bloodied his lip celebrating, and Buffon jumped up to swing from the crossbar and fell flat on his back. The only explanation for these behaviors is Euro Fever. Just pray it doesn’t get any worse.

So keep your feet on the ground, your fists to yourself, don’t drink any Kool-Aid, and beware of signs of infection on social media or elsewhere. Hashtags like #ForzaAzzurri are probably not signs of infection. But hashtags like #InConteWeTrust are almost definitely infected. With a little precaution, you can keep yourself safe from Euro Fever and enjoy the Euros with both your health and your sanity in tact.

This post inspired by the music of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ “Fever to Tell” album