Milan-Napoli Preview: Frightfest

There is nothing more frightening than being accused of territorial discrimination. Only slightly less frightening is playing Napoli. Which means that we are in for a real frightfest. Because not only are we playing Napoli, but we will be under scrutiny for territorial discrimination. But at least I can help with the latter. Nothing I can do about facing Napoli, we just have to hide under the covers and wait it out until it’s over.

These guys just heard they're coming to get us

In order to avoid a hefty fine or ban for territorial discrimination, don’t say “Your city is trash.” Rather, use the more acceptable terminology of “You dwell in a place that is refuse collection challenged.” Never say “What’s happening down South?” Instead inquire “How are things going in the place with a lower latitude?” If you are tempted to say “Your owner is more explosive than Vesuvius,” perhaps you could say “De Laurentiis has the temperament of an active volcano.” You’re welcome. Now don’t spend all of the money I saved you in one place.

The part I can’t help with is Sarri’s Napoli. Falling behind in the race for first, they are still potentially lethal and formidable, and they will want all three points when they come to the San Siro on Sunday. They took all three points from Chievo last Sunday, but only in stoppage time. For that match, Sarri lined up Reina; Kouliabaly, Tonelli, Mario Rui, Hysaj, Diawara, Hamsik, Allan, Mertens, Insigne, and Callejon. Mario Rui will be suspended and I believe Ghoulam is still injured.

We'll be without our favorite security guards

Gattuso has nearly a full squad, but the pieces he’s missing are frightening in and of themselves. Bonucci will be suspended, and Romagnoli is out injured. And of course Conti is out for the rest of the season. Obviously Zapata and Musacchio will start in their places, replicating their exciting pairing when they were at Villareal. Let’s just hope they can replicate some of their best performances.

There is never a good time to face Napoli, but with us losing to Juve, then drawing the last two, this seems like one of the times that is even less opportune. I for one will be watching with trepidation. No, let’s just make that bone chilling fear. Because not only am I now going to be fined for territorial discrimination for saying things that every other club would consider sporting taunts, but I have to watch my team face a team that has shown they really know how to play football. And I’m not convinced we are anything close to their level yet. Plus missing the rocks of our defense. Maybe to a neutral fan this will be a good game, but for me, it’s going to be a frightfest.

This post inspired by the music of Danny Elfman

Serie A Week 33

Milan vs. Napoli

Sunday, April 15 • 15:00 CEST (9am EDT)

This match will be shown LIVE on RAI Italia & BeIn Sports in the U.S.