Milan 2, Bologna 1: Despicable Milan

From soul-crushing performances and behavior that should be beneath even an Inter player, we managed to win this match in spite of ourselves. The game had everything vile about football: red cards, a player refusing to sub on and possibly cursing out their coach, and another probable season-ending injury that left another player leaving the San Siro on crutches. Did I mention we actually won? Yeah, that kind of got lost in all of the other stuff. Three very needed points that could not wash away the bitter taste in our mouths. Otherwise known as despicable Milan.

Winning in spite of themselves

This game would have been so much more entertaining if it had been played by minions. Like in the second minute, when Svenberg and Biglia clashed heads, two minions would have made it hilarious instead of frightening. Or like how Kessie was taken down in the box not just once but twice with no call, Gru would have somehow made you forgive him, whereas Di Bello was not so endearing. Gigio was far more amazing than a minion, though. He is exceeding expectations and preventing heart attacks everywhere.

The most despicable moment came after Biglia was injured in the 23rd minute. He received treatment and attempted to come back onto the pitch, but three minutes later was unable to continue. It looked as though Gattuso asked Bakayoko to replace him, but then changed his mind and put Mauri on instead. First of all, any coach that goes from Bakayoko to Mauri is either legally insane or has a damn good reason for changing his mind.

The fans were the real heroes

Consider why Bakayoko was on the bench in the first place. After parading Acerbi’s shirt like a trophy when we defeated Lazio in the league (for which he was fined €33,000,) he turned up over an hour late for training this week, claiming to have run out of gas. He was fined €90,000, but also sent Gattuso over the edge, who made everyone go into ritiro for five days. Nothing minion-like about that behavior, it was neither hilarious nor adorable. What the cameras showed was that he apparently refused to come on when asked, and furthermore, gave Gattuso some explicit instructions.

Gattuso later said that he had told coaches to do that many times before, and it wasn’t so much that Bakayoko refused to come on, but that he hadn’t put his shin guards on in the time he gave him, so he chose Mauri instead. Bakayoko issued a statement on Twitter saying he never refused to come on, but did not address the cursing at his coach. Whatever was said, Cutrone, who was sitting in front of Bakayoko, had a shocked expression on his face and his eyes got very big. Whomever you believe, it was despicable, and not at all Milan.

 

Ending a goal drought in style

It turned out that bringing Mauri on wasn’t a catastrophic mistake, as he assisted Suso’s goal in the 37th minute. 1-0 Milan. And yes, you read that correctly, Suso scored. A goal. One of those things that helps you win games. Not a joke, like a minion might make, a proper goal. I assume the haters are turning their hate to someone else. May I guess it will be Bakayoko?

In something that would only be believable in a minion movie, Borini came on as a sub and scored the winner on a rebound from a Paqueta shot. 2-0 Milan. However, what he didn’t count on was that Destro also subbed on for Bologna. Borini and Destro are both the same age, and at one point, they were both promising young Italian strikers coming into their own at the same time. They also both played for Milan, and both became sad, benchwarming has-beens of Italian football around the same time. So what Borini did, Destro also felt compelled to do, and Destro scored a goal for Bologna just five minutes after Borini surprised even himself by actually being on target. This made it a 2-1 match, and from there, it was all downhill for Milan.

Borini gained some weight since his last goal

Only two minutes later, Paqueta received a yellow for either a foul or dissent, I’m not even sure. But the dissent continued, and his teammates couldn’t keep him away from Di Bello, and in the heat of the moment, he hit the ref’s hand. Straight red for our young Brazilian talent, Milan were on ten men. This was also not minion play, it was just despicable.

How Milan held out for the final 15 (20) minutes without conceding is only explainable by watching the giant player dressed like a minion in goal: Gigio Donnarumma. Were it not for him, this despicable lot would have certainly given up the 2-0 lead that they were lucky to have in the first place. Frustrated by this giant minion’s heroics, and perhaps thinking that getting a red card was fashionable, Sansone received a second yellow and thus red in the final minute of stoppage time. Not content with both teams ending on ten men, Dijks said or did something despicable after the final whistle to be shown a red card as well. Their own Gru, formerly our Gru, Mihajlovic, knew that they perhaps deserved at least a point. But even he disapproved of the red cards, they were all senseless and avoidable.

Saved by the giant minion

It’s weird to even say “Milan won,” because this felt more like those Christmas shoppers on Black Friday who will do unspeakable things to get the perfect gift, they truly miss the message of the season. Milan have missed the message of our season, which was to achieve something greater than the past seven or eight seasons. And having come so close to doing just that, they seem to need to undermine their own accomplishment. Again, watching actual minions would be so much more entertaining. Instead, we have to watch players who are wearing Milan colors, but playing like idiot villains in a cheap knock off of a minion movie. Just another painful match with despicable Milan.

This post inspired by the music of Pharrell Williams’ “Despicable Me”

Our next match is

Serie A Week 36

Fiorentina vs. Milan

Saturday, May 11 • 20:30 CEST (2:30pm EDT)

Stay tuned for an all new Milan Obsession Podcast